I hate the process of getting over someone. It sucks. And when you've had to do it in the past, those memories butt in too. So, it becomes a big party of memories; one of those parties that you want to leave. And then to add on to the rest of it if you had dreams that involved being in a relationship, the process of getting over that person signifies one Giant step back. Then, you have to start all over again; talking, making sure they're not psycho, well at least not past the line you've drawn.

I was reading this book earlier today and it was talking about a similar thing. The one girl, who was recently engaged, was saying that she would have thought that by her age she would have know what she was OK overlooking in a potential husband. That has been on my mind a lot lately. That there is no perfect man, he may come and sweep you off your feet; but at some point he's going to fart in public, or say something really stupid that hurts your feelings. That's just reality. So, we have to decide what flaw we are willing to put up with (actually make that plural, we are trying to be realistic here) ;-) How do we make that list though? How do we make sure that we aren't overlooking flaws that shouldn't be overlooked? What are those flaws? I wish there was a list somewhere that would just tell us what they look like. And then some way to pull our heads' out of the clouds, once we have fallen, so we can look at that list.

Of course though, when I think about all the flaws in guys, I think of the one man that is flawless. My savior, Jesus Christ. He is the one man who will never let me down; He knows how to take care of me, and what my heart truly desires. It's hard to see that though sometimes when I am all wrapped up in other things. But, He's patiently waiting for me to catch on. Thankfully he already know that I'm a little slow. I just need to learn to be patient for His perfect timing. If my desires align with His will then I will have them; if not, then He has something better in store for me.

Lord,

Help me to wait for your timing, because I don't know what I'm doing. Help me to open my eyes, to see when something is from you. Thank you for the many blessings that You have given me.

In Jesus Name Amen

The beginning and end. The Alpha and Omega. Genesis and Revelation. Birth and death. 

Freshman and Senior. 

I know these probable seem like big things compared to school. But I was thinking of some of my friends today who are graduating from college. They started out a young Freshman, probably nervous when stepping on the big campus (I know I was!). But now __ years later they are finishing a part of their lives. They 

have completed one more phase in the continuous thing that we call life. I am so proud of them for sticking it out, and finishing so well. 

Now that they are finishing this phase they will inevitably move into the next one. It isn't something that they can stop, now that they are this far. They have already started moving into that next part emotionally. Some are physically moving to start this new phase, and others are changing jobs. It can be so scary when you are stepping out on to the invisible path that is before you. This makes me think of Indiana Jones when he steps out onto what look like nothing; only to discover a hidden bridge. 

Thankfully when we are stepping out on faith there is someone that has seen the path before us. He has already been there, he knows what is over the next hill, or mountain. I am so thankful for a Savior that is looking out for me, and that knows what is coming up next in my path. He wants us to trust Him, and to keep our eyes on Him while we're walking the treacherous path. And to ask for His guidance when choosing a path to follow. And the best part is that there was no beginning to Him, and there will be no end to Him. So, He's always gonna be there for us.

But, unfortunately we aren't guaranteed a smooth path when following Him. I have really learned that this past year. But He has been faithful to me, knowing what is best for me the whole time. And He will continue to do so the rest of my life, as long as I keep my teachable heart. 

Dear Lord,

Please bless my dear friends as they embark on a new journey in their lives. Please help them to look to You for guidance, and to keep their eye on you instead of what is around them. Please Lord keep them safe in this new time of their lives. Give them teachable hearts, and open eyes; so they can see and learn what you are trying to show them. Help them to form a great support group around them during this time, because that is also crucial to their success. Thank you so much Father for hearing our hearts. 

In Jesus Name Amen

I can't wait till next week is over!!!

But then again I wish I had a week of vacation before I started my new job. 

I'd like to start an online Bible study, but I'm not totally sure how to do it. I think it would be easier to do an online one because then people could just respond when they have time. I'd like the first one to be from the book "Captivating". So, if you'd like to be a part of this Bible study let me know.  I have the workbook, so I will be pulling the questions from that. so you don't have to buy it if you don't want to.

Also I think it'd be better that it is closed once it gets started so we can share openly. Just leave a message on here, or email me at Mandakate26@aol.com if you are interested. And I'll let you know once I find a way to do it.

Also it will start after May 15. I'm not starting anything until the semester is over.

How can it be possible that one guy repulses me, drives me crazy half the time, acts like an idiot, does a whole bunch of stuff that I don't agree with; and yet every time I see him he it makes me smile, and has some really great qualities, is working on his relationship with God, and is working hard on his degree. 

But the thing is... he doesn't know I exist. 

At least in a romantic way. 

Why can't I get him out of my head?!?!

Caution: Woman's emotions up ahead

Another warning is that I'm probably going to ramble throughout this whole blog; so if you can't tell exactly what I said at the end hopefully you'll get what I am/have been feeling.

My biological clock has been screaming at me lately. Not like "Hey pay attention here!" kind of yelling, but kid in the grocery store getting as much of a tantrum in before he gets his butt beat in the parking lot kind of screaming. I have thoroughly analyzed my feelings, as every control issue type person should; and I have come up with several possibilities for why I am feeling this way. 

1. I was in a wedding earlier this year, which sends emotions screaming if you are not married yet. Let alone if you had just gotten out of a relationship the week before. 
2. My cousin is getting married in June, and I am so very happy for her. But, she is 3 years younger than me. Now if that isn't a kick in the butt. Yes, I know, I shouldn't compare my life to others. But, it happens, you know you do it. 
3. Another girl I know is getting married, in June. But, I guess this is a product of me usually being friends with people older than me. So, therefore, they're at a different stage in life. Honestly a stage that I would rather be at, or feel like I would fit better in. 
4. A LOT has changed in this past year. To help you visualize (no I don't know why this is what popped into my head) think of a train going down the train tracks. Then all of a sudden, it is on one of those things that changes its direction. And its spinning it really fast, and when it stops spinning the train is in a totally different location. Not, where it expected to be at all. (Yes, I know, trains don't have thoughts or feelings. So just picture Thomas if that makes you feel better.) Well I feel like that is what has happened to me, several times, this year. And I still don't know where my direction is. I have talked about this a lot lately, and have tried really hard to let go and trust God. But, I am just really bothered by this black darkness in front of me. I'm almost afraid I'm going to fall off some cliff or something. I guess I have to just keep giving it to Him. 
5. When I was younger I would always say, "I want to wait until I have a great career, and made some big accomplishments before I get married and have kids." and "I don't think I could ever be a stay-at-home mom, I would get so bored!" Well I think I've changed my mind. All I can think about now, is getting married and being a stay-at-home mom. I know it can be done financially if the dad is willing, and the mom is frugal. My parents live in a really nice house, with my dad's retirement. I mean we're not rich or anything. But the more stuff you have, the more stuff you have to dust. So, I think I'd be OK with less. Or I could at least work part-time. See, here I go planning it all out again. Like I know what's going to happen, or could even control it. I just need to keep praying that God's will be done. And that He will give me what my heart truly desires. This was brought up again by reading an old friend's blog, who is a pregnant stay-at-home mom. It looks so good from this side Of the fence. But stuff always looks great from the other side. 

I must have it all out right now, because I can't think of any other things. And, for now, my clock has stopped screaming at me. 

I am sitting here tonight at the end of a long, non-productive feeling week. I am trying to get out of the rut that I feel that I am in. So I'm doing that by doing a mask, so get my skin looking better. And I'm also going to do some laundry. 

Lacey's last post inspired me to share with you one of my favorite worship songs. It was recorded by the Newsboys. I just want to sing it at the top of my lungs whenever I hear it. Here is the video on YouTube.

Devotion

all my world
all I've lost
the wrecks I've made here
the lives it cost
Your hand restores
Your works make whole
with all my soul
I thank You
I owe You
all my

CHORUS:
devotion
all that I have to give
here's my devotion
You're all that it means to live

all my past
my tainted main
You stole its legacy
of pride and shame
You're all I love
You're all I fear
I'm drawing near
to face You
to know You
to show You

(CHORUS)

You found me
in a shallow grave
You tracked me out from beneath it all
You healed me
saved me
in the nick of time
Your perfect time
You found me (found me)
in a shallow grave (in a shallow grave)
You called me out from beneath it all
You touched me (touched me)
saved me (saved me)
in the nick of time
in Your perfect time

I devote all I have to You
I devote all that You've made new
all You restored that day You bled
all that You brought back from the dead

Last week was really.....I can't even think of how to explain it. To let you know I'm sitting on my bed looking at a floor that is totally covered in clean clothes. Usually they're dirty. And there is also a pile of my ex's clothes in the corner. Not the most exciting thing to be pulling those out of the closet. If that doesn't give you enough of a clue of how draining (that's the word!) my week has been I don't know how to explain it any better. I just feel like I haven't had time to catch up, and I do at night because I'm not working, right now at least. 

But I don't know. Life is so complicated. 

Why does it have to be that way?!?! 

Why do people have to be so masked, and closed off? I just want need to be with someone that is who they say they are. Who means what they Say they mean. I hate having to guess if they're just saying it because they think it sounds good at the time. I wish I had just stayed at CR tonight because I don't feel like I got anything out of the other thing. And now I don't feel any better than I did before. I guess I should be folding clothes instead of blogging. But this is getting some stuff off my chest. I just hope this week goes better. I hope I get to spend time with friends this week too, they're so much better than family most of the time!! Can I just trade them in?

Catching up

I know I haven't posted in a while, but i've been really really busy. As of the 18th my boyfriend moved up here from Louisiana. He is applying at the Bowling Green police department; which is why he moved up here so quickly. He had been planning on moving up here for a while, but wanted to save up some money to be up here. We thought the hiring process was going to start in the fall so he had planned to come up sometime before it started. Well, a couple weeks ago he got a letter saying that the hiring process was going to start at the end of July. (The part that is actually in the fall is the interview process.)

So, it just happened that around the same time his mom, and aunt were driving to Michigan to see family. It worked out that he was able to pull all of his stuff into his car and drive the 12 hour drive from his house to mine.

It's now been two weeks since he got up here. He is staying with me and my parents (in the office), and is looking for a job. The first part of the application process is this Saturday, so we're hoping that it all goes well.

I'm getting adjusted to having him around all the time, and seeing all his guy-isms. It's going well though, I'm really enjoying getting to see him every day.



On another note, I'm finishing up my job as a tutor at WKU, my last day is next Thursday. I'm having mixed feelings about leaving, especially when I get to tutor someone who is really excited about learing something; that really reminds me of why I loved this job.

I'm trying to get ready for my move to Nashville, but I'm so tired that I can't really do much yet. So, I've been sending my resume out to several companies (20 to be exact) but haven't heard anything yet. I hate looking for a job, I don't like any part of it. I just wish someone would come up to me and hand me a great job. I know I can do it, and I know that I'm a good worker but I just hate the part of putting myself on a piece of paper for people to judge. It makes me uneasy. I picture myself laying on a table with, banker type old men, looking over me. I don't like the fact that they are judging whether or not I can do a job, by how well I can word my job duties. I'm not good at, or comfortable with, trying to make the fact that I filed papers sound like I was saving the world every day. It feels too close to lying for me. But I did it again, I redid my whole resume (and if you didn't know I've saved the world a few times too!); I also wrote the dreaded cover letter of doom and with these two magnificently written pieces of art I have yet to hear anything back from the companies. This is driving me crazy, I'm regretting my prayers for patience and wondering if they're being answered at this time.

What am I supposed to learn from this horribly hard summer?

I can't remember a time when so much hard things have happened so close together; without time for me to fully heal from them. But what is "fully healed"? I've started going to this thing that my has been going to since last October; called Celebrate Recovery. It's once of those places where you can just spill your guts and tell it all, and the people there will just be like "OK, I've done that too"; I've only been a couple times but so far I'm wishing I had given in a couple months ago (my mom's been asking me to go since November). I can see myself being able to move on with the help of this group; which is really nice because I haven't seen the light at the end of the tunnel all summer. HAHA I just realized something, maybe this is why I've gone through all of this! God was just trying to get me to a place where I would give in and see what can really come of a church group that actually seems to care about each other.

I feel alot better.

We had a scare last Friday. My dog, Albert, ran away right before this big storm came through. The hard thing was that I had made a quick run to Nashville, and got home about half an hour after he'd taken off. I searched for about an hour that night, and then quite a bit the next morning. Nothing came of our driving around. It was the worst feeling ever! My dog of 16 years was just gone. My parents just said that he had left to die. I couldn't believe that he would do that, it didn't match his personality. He's such a momma's boy that I couldn't imagine him going to do something like that by himself. Well we went on with our weekend, trying to come to terms with the fact that there was no more Albert, honestly I was numb (which seems to be my most recent way of dealing with big things, or not dealing with them). Come Monday morning I went to work and decided to call the humane society, so I get to work and give them a call; the lady informs me that they have an elderly schnauzer there that was brought in Saturday. So, I call my mom trying not to get excited, and she heads up there. It's Him!!!!!! Praise God!! I'm so thankful that he hasn't really taken off like they thought, he was just being his ornery self. I'm so glad that ordeal is over.

So, things are settled for now. I'm worn out from writing this much, but I feel good. I hope this finds you well.

Better mood

I've been in a rut lately. I haven't really felt like myself, and wasn't sure why. So, in my process of figuring out how to get back to the way I was before the end of the stressful semester knocked me out, I have been trying several things.

See about December 15, 2007 I started going to Curves 3 times a week. I've had a membership there for like four years now, but have never been able to get into a groove of going; where I didn't have to talk myself into it. It was actually kinda fun, not that I made any great friends there, but I enjoyed it and enjoyed having time to myself. So, by getting into the groove I went three times a week, faithfully for about 3 months. Then about March I decided to add another day, plus start doing situps. I loved those too (totally not being sarcastic at all, no seriously i'm not. really. this isn't sarcasm either...fine don't believe me) I got to where I enjoyed it, almost looked forward to it. Then some things started happening, I started having trouble with classes and other things. That just totally threw me off. So, I ended up going into survival mode. I stopped going to Curves, stopped doing pretty much everything but working and going to school. Well, now that everything thing is done, and I'm all gradiated and stuff, I'm still in a rut. It's been what like almost two months now. I don't know how to get back into that mode. Maybe, the fact that I recognize it and and consiously trying to change some things will help with that.

So, in order to get out of this rut I'm going to try a couple things. I'm going to make some conscious efforts to go to Curves three times a week. I felt better when I did that, and I was happier. And I looked better in my clothes. I'm going to write three things consisting of things that I did good, or am good at, or something I accomplished every day. And I'm also going to the tanning bed, that is helping me because I don't make it outside very much and am only tanning on my left arm (the arm that gets sun on my 20 minute drive to work every day). Don't worry I'm not going to go every day and lay in there for half an hour; I know what could happen and i'm being careful.

This is my "get out of my rut" plan. I'll let you know how that's going, as I work it.

What else

I just finished the first place of the month blog. Phew that was allot of work. I didn't even cover the surface, I think I took on a little too much with doing a whole country the first time out. Maybe next time I'll do a city or something.

There are so many things that I would love to do, but it seems like I don't have enough time to turn around. This is one thing that I've had on my list. Another is to catch up on some reading because I know that I will have no time whatsoever this fall. I want to get into a good book, and would love to have a book discussion. But that is something else that requires time. It's weird because I don't really feel like I'm doing anything but I still have so many unaccomplished things on my list. Here is part of it:

• Read a couple really good books
• Go through boxes in storage unit
• Clean junk out of room
• Pack up stuff for apartment
  
• Fix intake on car
• Find a job in Nashville

As you can probably tell from the list, I'm moving to Nashville! I'm excited about getting back down there because I love the city, but now that it's getting closer I'm starting to get nervous about moving out on my own. Thankfully my parents are there to help me, so I'm not jumping out there with no supports.

I am a planner. I like to plan everything out, and make lists and know about what is going to happen. I like to be prepared, and have some extras for cushion. My mom is just the opposite, she will jump into something and then look around to see if she landed OK. So, in preparing to go to Nashville and start school down there I would like to have most of what I need bought and packed up and ready to go. But she wants me to take what I have down there and then once I get moved in and settled see what I need and go from there. This is scaring the crap out of me. I'm afraid to be down there with nothing. I feel like if I don't get what I think I'll need before I get down there I'll be out of luck. I know she has told me that's not at all what she's thinking, but that is how I feel. Because it's not in a box in the garage with a label on it saying that it's gonna go to my apartment.

I know my mom will take care of it. I know that God will take care of me, but it's scaring me that there are so many unknowns. I don't like that, it's out of my comfort zone. But, I will just have to keep praying and trusting that God will work all of this out for me. He hasn't let me down yet, even though I let Him down all the time. Thank you God for being so steady and constant, in such a wobbly and twisted world. Amen