Well hello there...

I click on the link to my blog every once in a while to check on it and make sure that it's still doing ok, but I haven't actually made it feel welcome for a while. My excuse is the same one that I gave the last time I made an entry. I have been working on my bachelors for a year and a half straight now, which means that there is only two weeks between each quarter, but thankfully I should be done this September.

Honestly, it scares the crap out of me to be almost done with my degree; because when I get that piece of paper then I have to get an adult job. Not that I don't work now, because I do work full time half the year, and a little more than part time the rest of the year. I'm talking about a "suit" type of job, you know the kind where you make big decisions. lol I just still feel like a little kid who is tricking everyone into thinking that I've grown up. Like, I honestly have this fear that they're going to look at me one day and ask me "what are you doing here?" I don't know why that runs through my head though, because I do my best at work and feel like I have a handle on it (most of the time). Plus my boss seems to like my decisions, so I must not be doing to bad. But I feel like I get in this comfort zone and would rather just stay there than move up and have to learn everything over again.


There's this dog that lives a couple houses down, it sounds exactly like my old dog's high pitched bark. The bark that we would hear when he was tired of asking to come inside, and was probably using choice words to tell us to let him in. It makes me miss him to hear that bark. Not, the Albert that could hardly walk on our hardwood floors, or the one that would run into walls b/c he couldn't see; but the Albert the would let me hug him as I went to sleep at night, and the one that would sit on the back of the couch like a cat. I keep making hints about getting another one, but since I'm so busy it would actually be my mom's dog again, and she said she's still on dogcation. He was barking just now, so that's why you got to go one the ride down memory lane with me; wasn't it fun?!

Well that's all that's on my mind right now, thank you for your prayers!!

Amanda Quiz 1

Blog
Quiz1
Amanda
3/22/2010

Oh wait this isn't homework, lol well You can probably figure out what I've been doing. I have had two of the hardest quarters EVER, in my college career. I'm so completely exhausted. But thanks to God I am pulling through. The one good thing about these last 7 months is that I have learned to rely on God more. I have struggled through all of the stress, and have doubted myself most of the time. I have doubted pretty much every decision I've made. But God has been faithful this whole time. He has brought me through this, I am nothing without Him. I was reading in 1 Corinthians last night where they were talking about how it was better to be single, because you have less responsibility and a better chance to get closer to God. So, I'm going to try and come at it from that angle instead of feeling sorry for myself. I'm not saying that I won't go through some lonely moments, but I'm going to try and put my focus on Him. Thankfully the percentage he expects from me is tiny compared to what He's willing to put in. That's about it for now, hopefully I can get on here more. What kind of stuff would you like to see me talk about on here?

Some guy told me today that some people aren't meant to get married. And that maybe I was one of them. If people weren't meant to get married then why did God make Eve in the first place?! Why did He make Adam a partner so He wouldn't be lonely if He didn't mean for them to be together?

This comment really hurt, b/c I want nothing more than to be a mom. I told him this, and he said why don't you adopt? I said b/c I want to be married first, I think my kids should have a dad.

Honestly, now that I think about it I wonder if that is just a defense mechanism so he won't feel so lonely. Or, is my saying that just a defense mechanism so I won't feel crappy about his comment?

What do you think?

I hate the process of getting over someone. It sucks. And when you've had to do it in the past, those memories butt in too. So, it becomes a big party of memories; one of those parties that you want to leave. And then to add on to the rest of it if you had dreams that involved being in a relationship, the process of getting over that person signifies one Giant step back. Then, you have to start all over again; talking, making sure they're not psycho, well at least not past the line you've drawn.

I was reading this book earlier today and it was talking about a similar thing. The one girl, who was recently engaged, was saying that she would have thought that by her age she would have know what she was OK overlooking in a potential husband. That has been on my mind a lot lately. That there is no perfect man, he may come and sweep you off your feet; but at some point he's going to fart in public, or say something really stupid that hurts your feelings. That's just reality. So, we have to decide what flaw we are willing to put up with (actually make that plural, we are trying to be realistic here) ;-) How do we make that list though? How do we make sure that we aren't overlooking flaws that shouldn't be overlooked? What are those flaws? I wish there was a list somewhere that would just tell us what they look like. And then some way to pull our heads' out of the clouds, once we have fallen, so we can look at that list.

Of course though, when I think about all the flaws in guys, I think of the one man that is flawless. My savior, Jesus Christ. He is the one man who will never let me down; He knows how to take care of me, and what my heart truly desires. It's hard to see that though sometimes when I am all wrapped up in other things. But, He's patiently waiting for me to catch on. Thankfully he already know that I'm a little slow. I just need to learn to be patient for His perfect timing. If my desires align with His will then I will have them; if not, then He has something better in store for me.

Lord,

Help me to wait for your timing, because I don't know what I'm doing. Help me to open my eyes, to see when something is from you. Thank you for the many blessings that You have given me.

In Jesus Name Amen

Life flies by so very fast. I know that the best part is yet to come, but I don't want to go through life without having gotten it. I look through the pictures of people having a great time, who seem to have gotten the memo on how to be outgoing and have fun. It's like I'm on the street corner looking into this shop that has the different things to do in life; I see the possibilities, and I do enjoy it when it happens. But, I'm such a loner. I always end up being the third person, or fifth, or seventh... you get the point.... if not let me know.

I like being with people, but I always feel like the odd Amanda out... you can laugh now..... anyway. I think that most of it is in my head, but the voices are so loud sometimes (Not the crazy type of voices, but the kind that everyone has ;-) They just keep telling me that I'm not good enough, that people wish I wasn't there, that I'm going to be single and never be a mom. God, please forgive me of the jealousy I feel towards certain people who have what I want. I don't want to covet that, but i can't see that road marker.

I'm so glad that there is a God; b/c whenever I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and don't see where I'm supposed to go from here, I know that He knows what is coming up next. He knows where i'll end up. And when this life is all over, I will get to go up there and sing awesome songs to Him forever! When I was younger, I used to think that it sounded boring to sing all the time. But now that I'm finding songs that mean a lot to me I look forward to the idea. I wonder if He'll give us tasks to do every day, and then we'll gather with Him the rest of the time. I don't know. But I do know it'll be better than being here. I have a hope now, for when He comes back. I also used to think it weird that people would pray for Him to come back; that is also another thing I have come to understand lately. I pray for it too now. Amen Come Lord Jesus! Rev. 20:22.

At the beginning of this year I talked about how 23 was the adult year for me. I don't feel totally like an adult, yet. But I can see myself growing. It's nice to know that I'm not as blind to God as I think I am sometimes. I can just picture him snapping his fingers in my face trying to get my attention. So, I tell Him quite often that He has to lead me by the hand. I should probably start doing my part by getting to know Him better. Do people around me even know I'm a Christian? Or can they just tell I'm different, but don't know why? Is that good enough?

I need a good friend Lord. I'm so lonely, in my safe room. I thank you for the people that are around me, but Lord I yearn for a heart friend. Someone that gets me, that I won't have to worry about whether or they are just being nice. I hate fake. The little bit I get at CR just makes me crave it even more. But whenever I think about asking someone to do something my insecurities start screaming at me. Help me with that.

I also thought I should add the Application if you think you fit my list. Just fill this out and email it to me at Mandakate26@aol.com I'll post the best ones I get. :-)

I'm a hopeless romantic. That is a fact that I'm coming to terms with. 

I don't like it at all though because it causes me a lot of pain. 

I usually end up disappointed when I dream up these wonderful things, and then they aren't even close to reality. Or at least my reality so far. I've been reading the book Twilight. Which is a romantic story. I need to stop though because I'm just torturing myself with it. It's making me so lonely. And then of course I watched two romantic movies this afternoon, which didn't help at all.

Why do I do this to myself?!

I'm trying to figure out what I want in a guy. It's really hard to know, b/c it's not really anything that I can out into words. A lot of it is feelings, which are terribly complicated things. So I don't know what to do. I don't know what is unrealistic on my list, or what I should consider non-negotiable. I....... don't know...... this ...... this is all so confusing. And then I feel silly for saying anything, b/c I wonder who would want me. I don't see any good in myself. Why do I feel so ...... i don't know. I'm really spilling my guts on here. I should have just gone to CR. But my sympathizer is on the other side now. I'm almost at the point where I think I could talk myself into falling for someone again, even though my brain is shaking it's head at me the whole time ( just go with it ). Here's my list so far:

• A Godly man, who has a relationship with God. And is working on it. 
• Someone who makes me laugh
• Someone who knows when to be serious
• Someone who is close to his family, and parents
• Who is willing to work on himself
• Who wants children
• Who wants a similar lifestyle that I want
• Laid back
• Forgiving
• Kind
• Smart

That's a short one. I don't really know why I put that on here, mostly to get it out of my head. Should I finish Twilight? Or put it off till I get over this valley? 

Dear Heavenly Father,

I need You to help me be patient. I'm not asking for trials to make me more patient, but help to exercise the patience I do have. I know it's in there somewhere, but it's hiding on me in this part of my life. I know that You are the only one that can see what is coming up ahead. So, naturally You should be the one taking the wheel. Once again this is my feeble attempt at handing it over to You. I apologize ahead of time for screwing up and taking it back, b/c I know that will happen. I am just dust after all. I thank you so much for all the blessings, and want to focus on those instead of what I don't have. Help me to be a good steward of the money that You are giving me with my new job. And help me to know what to do about my car. Forgive me for my shortcomings. And help me to live in a way that is pleasing to you. 

In Jesus Name Amen

The beginning and end. The Alpha and Omega. Genesis and Revelation. Birth and death. 

Freshman and Senior. 

I know these probable seem like big things compared to school. But I was thinking of some of my friends today who are graduating from college. They started out a young Freshman, probably nervous when stepping on the big campus (I know I was!). But now __ years later they are finishing a part of their lives. They 

have completed one more phase in the continuous thing that we call life. I am so proud of them for sticking it out, and finishing so well. 

Now that they are finishing this phase they will inevitably move into the next one. It isn't something that they can stop, now that they are this far. They have already started moving into that next part emotionally. Some are physically moving to start this new phase, and others are changing jobs. It can be so scary when you are stepping out on to the invisible path that is before you. This makes me think of Indiana Jones when he steps out onto what look like nothing; only to discover a hidden bridge. 

Thankfully when we are stepping out on faith there is someone that has seen the path before us. He has already been there, he knows what is over the next hill, or mountain. I am so thankful for a Savior that is looking out for me, and that knows what is coming up next in my path. He wants us to trust Him, and to keep our eyes on Him while we're walking the treacherous path. And to ask for His guidance when choosing a path to follow. And the best part is that there was no beginning to Him, and there will be no end to Him. So, He's always gonna be there for us.

But, unfortunately we aren't guaranteed a smooth path when following Him. I have really learned that this past year. But He has been faithful to me, knowing what is best for me the whole time. And He will continue to do so the rest of my life, as long as I keep my teachable heart. 

Dear Lord,

Please bless my dear friends as they embark on a new journey in their lives. Please help them to look to You for guidance, and to keep their eye on you instead of what is around them. Please Lord keep them safe in this new time of their lives. Give them teachable hearts, and open eyes; so they can see and learn what you are trying to show them. Help them to form a great support group around them during this time, because that is also crucial to their success. Thank you so much Father for hearing our hearts. 

In Jesus Name Amen

I can't wait till next week is over!!!

But then again I wish I had a week of vacation before I started my new job. 

I'd like to start an online Bible study, but I'm not totally sure how to do it. I think it would be easier to do an online one because then people could just respond when they have time. I'd like the first one to be from the book "Captivating". So, if you'd like to be a part of this Bible study let me know.  I have the workbook, so I will be pulling the questions from that. so you don't have to buy it if you don't want to.

Also I think it'd be better that it is closed once it gets started so we can share openly. Just leave a message on here, or email me at Mandakate26@aol.com if you are interested. And I'll let you know once I find a way to do it.

Also it will start after May 15. I'm not starting anything until the semester is over.

How can it be possible that one guy repulses me, drives me crazy half the time, acts like an idiot, does a whole bunch of stuff that I don't agree with; and yet every time I see him he it makes me smile, and has some really great qualities, is working on his relationship with God, and is working hard on his degree. 

But the thing is... he doesn't know I exist. 

At least in a romantic way. 

Why can't I get him out of my head?!?!

Caution: Woman's emotions up ahead

Another warning is that I'm probably going to ramble throughout this whole blog; so if you can't tell exactly what I said at the end hopefully you'll get what I am/have been feeling.

My biological clock has been screaming at me lately. Not like "Hey pay attention here!" kind of yelling, but kid in the grocery store getting as much of a tantrum in before he gets his butt beat in the parking lot kind of screaming. I have thoroughly analyzed my feelings, as every control issue type person should; and I have come up with several possibilities for why I am feeling this way. 

1. I was in a wedding earlier this year, which sends emotions screaming if you are not married yet. Let alone if you had just gotten out of a relationship the week before. 
2. My cousin is getting married in June, and I am so very happy for her. But, she is 3 years younger than me. Now if that isn't a kick in the butt. Yes, I know, I shouldn't compare my life to others. But, it happens, you know you do it. 
3. Another girl I know is getting married, in June. But, I guess this is a product of me usually being friends with people older than me. So, therefore, they're at a different stage in life. Honestly a stage that I would rather be at, or feel like I would fit better in. 
4. A LOT has changed in this past year. To help you visualize (no I don't know why this is what popped into my head) think of a train going down the train tracks. Then all of a sudden, it is on one of those things that changes its direction. And its spinning it really fast, and when it stops spinning the train is in a totally different location. Not, where it expected to be at all. (Yes, I know, trains don't have thoughts or feelings. So just picture Thomas if that makes you feel better.) Well I feel like that is what has happened to me, several times, this year. And I still don't know where my direction is. I have talked about this a lot lately, and have tried really hard to let go and trust God. But, I am just really bothered by this black darkness in front of me. I'm almost afraid I'm going to fall off some cliff or something. I guess I have to just keep giving it to Him. 
5. When I was younger I would always say, "I want to wait until I have a great career, and made some big accomplishments before I get married and have kids." and "I don't think I could ever be a stay-at-home mom, I would get so bored!" Well I think I've changed my mind. All I can think about now, is getting married and being a stay-at-home mom. I know it can be done financially if the dad is willing, and the mom is frugal. My parents live in a really nice house, with my dad's retirement. I mean we're not rich or anything. But the more stuff you have, the more stuff you have to dust. So, I think I'd be OK with less. Or I could at least work part-time. See, here I go planning it all out again. Like I know what's going to happen, or could even control it. I just need to keep praying that God's will be done. And that He will give me what my heart truly desires. This was brought up again by reading an old friend's blog, who is a pregnant stay-at-home mom. It looks so good from this side Of the fence. But stuff always looks great from the other side. 

I must have it all out right now, because I can't think of any other things. And, for now, my clock has stopped screaming at me. 

I am sitting here tonight at the end of a long, non-productive feeling week. I am trying to get out of the rut that I feel that I am in. So I'm doing that by doing a mask, so get my skin looking better. And I'm also going to do some laundry. 

Lacey's last post inspired me to share with you one of my favorite worship songs. It was recorded by the Newsboys. I just want to sing it at the top of my lungs whenever I hear it. Here is the video on YouTube.

Devotion

all my world
all I've lost
the wrecks I've made here
the lives it cost
Your hand restores
Your works make whole
with all my soul
I thank You
I owe You
all my

CHORUS:
devotion
all that I have to give
here's my devotion
You're all that it means to live

all my past
my tainted main
You stole its legacy
of pride and shame
You're all I love
You're all I fear
I'm drawing near
to face You
to know You
to show You

(CHORUS)

You found me
in a shallow grave
You tracked me out from beneath it all
You healed me
saved me
in the nick of time
Your perfect time
You found me (found me)
in a shallow grave (in a shallow grave)
You called me out from beneath it all
You touched me (touched me)
saved me (saved me)
in the nick of time
in Your perfect time

I devote all I have to You
I devote all that You've made new
all You restored that day You bled
all that You brought back from the dead

Last week was really.....I can't even think of how to explain it. To let you know I'm sitting on my bed looking at a floor that is totally covered in clean clothes. Usually they're dirty. And there is also a pile of my ex's clothes in the corner. Not the most exciting thing to be pulling those out of the closet. If that doesn't give you enough of a clue of how draining (that's the word!) my week has been I don't know how to explain it any better. I just feel like I haven't had time to catch up, and I do at night because I'm not working, right now at least. 

But I don't know. Life is so complicated. 

Why does it have to be that way?!?! 

Why do people have to be so masked, and closed off? I just want need to be with someone that is who they say they are. Who means what they Say they mean. I hate having to guess if they're just saying it because they think it sounds good at the time. I wish I had just stayed at CR tonight because I don't feel like I got anything out of the other thing. And now I don't feel any better than I did before. I guess I should be folding clothes instead of blogging. But this is getting some stuff off my chest. I just hope this week goes better. I hope I get to spend time with friends this week too, they're so much better than family most of the time!! Can I just trade them in?

I've been feeling really lonely lately. But I need to wait on God's timing. It's hard though. 

Procrastination

n.

[L. procrastinatio: cf. F. procrastination.]
The act or habit of procrastinating, or putting off to a future time; delay; dilatoriness.

Procrastination is the thief of time.

Young. 

I am the queen of procrastination! I'm doing it right now even. I'm putting off doing the homework I need to get done before family comes into town tomorrow. Because I won't do it once they get here. I need to get past this..... maybe I can talk myself into it. 

How would that go?

"I'm not doing my homework!"

"Come on! It'll be fun, just get in your PJ's and turn on some music!"

"no"

"But you have to do it before Grandma, and the girls get here!"

"no"

"Do you want to fail your class? You've already missed several summaries, you can't afford any more."

"I don't care!"

"Yes you do.... You like having your good GPA"

"I know...."

"So, just put on the Twilight soundtrack and get it over with"

"OOOOOK"

"Good job!"

See that is what goes on in my head. lol As a friend of mine says, "You don't want to be in my head, it's scary up there!"

I'm going to go do it now, and then I have to clean my bathroom, and bedroom. Oh joy!

The good side of things

I'm trying to think positive through everything that is going on, so here are some good things that are happening.

• I am walking without a cane, walker, or any help after only two weeks of healing from knee surgery!
• Only two months left of school
• I had a really great day Saturday, between hanging out with my mom and a friend
• I am alive
• I had alone time today
• I have a car
• I have family and friends that love me very much
• I'm healthy
• I still have most of my brains 
• I have a roof over my head 
• I'm getting a college education, even though it's stressing me out

Even though some of them may be small things, some people don't have that stuff. So, I choose to recognize them and be thankful. Thank you God, for my many blessings.

Getting stuff off my chest....

First rant....

Why does life have to be so aggravating? And why do I have to be so co-dependent? Do I have a big sign on my forehead or something that draws people to me that want someone to take care of them?!?!? And if so how do I get rid of it? I'm so irritated at myself for being wrapped up in everything so much that I went this long without looking at it. Actually I did but I didn't want to believe what I saw. Now what do I do? God, how do I fix this problem? Actually, can you just do it for me? Can I just focus on the other pile that's about to fall on me? 

Second rant....

I don't want to be in school anymore!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so tired of these meaningless classes that just take up my time. I don't see what they have to do with anything. Why can't they just give us a test to see how well rounded we already are, and if we haven't been in a box our whole life then we can skip these classes. I would so much rather be spending my time on classes that I'm going to need for my job. But I can't just skip these, so probably by the time I get to them I'm going to be so irritated that I won't be able to focus. And then I won't get a job right out of school and I'll end up copying coloring pages for the next 15 years until I've forgotten everything I went to school for. Then finally I'll find a job, and won't get it because I can't even remember what I majored in, or how to spell resources, or Bachelors Degree! 

Ok I think I can sleep now... goodnight. 

Why do I have such a hard time accepting love? It makes me so uncomfortable to accept praise from people, I just want to get it over with or pass it off onto someone else. I don't like attention on me. I don't feel like I'm worth putting time into. Where did this come from?