Caution: Woman's emotions up ahead

Another warning is that I'm probably going to ramble throughout this whole blog; so if you can't tell exactly what I said at the end hopefully you'll get what I am/have been feeling.

My biological clock has been screaming at me lately. Not like "Hey pay attention here!" kind of yelling, but kid in the grocery store getting as much of a tantrum in before he gets his butt beat in the parking lot kind of screaming. I have thoroughly analyzed my feelings, as every control issue type person should; and I have come up with several possibilities for why I am feeling this way. 

1. I was in a wedding earlier this year, which sends emotions screaming if you are not married yet. Let alone if you had just gotten out of a relationship the week before. 
2. My cousin is getting married in June, and I am so very happy for her. But, she is 3 years younger than me. Now if that isn't a kick in the butt. Yes, I know, I shouldn't compare my life to others. But, it happens, you know you do it. 
3. Another girl I know is getting married, in June. But, I guess this is a product of me usually being friends with people older than me. So, therefore, they're at a different stage in life. Honestly a stage that I would rather be at, or feel like I would fit better in. 
4. A LOT has changed in this past year. To help you visualize (no I don't know why this is what popped into my head) think of a train going down the train tracks. Then all of a sudden, it is on one of those things that changes its direction. And its spinning it really fast, and when it stops spinning the train is in a totally different location. Not, where it expected to be at all. (Yes, I know, trains don't have thoughts or feelings. So just picture Thomas if that makes you feel better.) Well I feel like that is what has happened to me, several times, this year. And I still don't know where my direction is. I have talked about this a lot lately, and have tried really hard to let go and trust God. But, I am just really bothered by this black darkness in front of me. I'm almost afraid I'm going to fall off some cliff or something. I guess I have to just keep giving it to Him. 
5. When I was younger I would always say, "I want to wait until I have a great career, and made some big accomplishments before I get married and have kids." and "I don't think I could ever be a stay-at-home mom, I would get so bored!" Well I think I've changed my mind. All I can think about now, is getting married and being a stay-at-home mom. I know it can be done financially if the dad is willing, and the mom is frugal. My parents live in a really nice house, with my dad's retirement. I mean we're not rich or anything. But the more stuff you have, the more stuff you have to dust. So, I think I'd be OK with less. Or I could at least work part-time. See, here I go planning it all out again. Like I know what's going to happen, or could even control it. I just need to keep praying that God's will be done. And that He will give me what my heart truly desires. This was brought up again by reading an old friend's blog, who is a pregnant stay-at-home mom. It looks so good from this side Of the fence. But stuff always looks great from the other side. 

I must have it all out right now, because I can't think of any other things. And, for now, my clock has stopped screaming at me.