I'm a hopeless romantic. That is a fact that I'm coming to terms with. 

I don't like it at all though because it causes me a lot of pain. 

I usually end up disappointed when I dream up these wonderful things, and then they aren't even close to reality. Or at least my reality so far. I've been reading the book Twilight. Which is a romantic story. I need to stop though because I'm just torturing myself with it. It's making me so lonely. And then of course I watched two romantic movies this afternoon, which didn't help at all.

Why do I do this to myself?!

I'm trying to figure out what I want in a guy. It's really hard to know, b/c it's not really anything that I can out into words. A lot of it is feelings, which are terribly complicated things. So I don't know what to do. I don't know what is unrealistic on my list, or what I should consider non-negotiable. I....... don't know...... this ...... this is all so confusing. And then I feel silly for saying anything, b/c I wonder who would want me. I don't see any good in myself. Why do I feel so ...... i don't know. I'm really spilling my guts on here. I should have just gone to CR. But my sympathizer is on the other side now. I'm almost at the point where I think I could talk myself into falling for someone again, even though my brain is shaking it's head at me the whole time ( just go with it ). Here's my list so far:

• A Godly man, who has a relationship with God. And is working on it. 
• Someone who makes me laugh
• Someone who knows when to be serious
• Someone who is close to his family, and parents
• Who is willing to work on himself
• Who wants children
• Who wants a similar lifestyle that I want
• Laid back
• Forgiving
• Kind
• Smart

That's a short one. I don't really know why I put that on here, mostly to get it out of my head. Should I finish Twilight? Or put it off till I get over this valley? 

Dear Heavenly Father,

I need You to help me be patient. I'm not asking for trials to make me more patient, but help to exercise the patience I do have. I know it's in there somewhere, but it's hiding on me in this part of my life. I know that You are the only one that can see what is coming up ahead. So, naturally You should be the one taking the wheel. Once again this is my feeble attempt at handing it over to You. I apologize ahead of time for screwing up and taking it back, b/c I know that will happen. I am just dust after all. I thank you so much for all the blessings, and want to focus on those instead of what I don't have. Help me to be a good steward of the money that You are giving me with my new job. And help me to know what to do about my car. Forgive me for my shortcomings. And help me to live in a way that is pleasing to you. 

In Jesus Name Amen