Life flies by so very fast. I know that the best part is yet to come, but I don't want to go through life without having gotten it. I look through the pictures of people having a great time, who seem to have gotten the memo on how to be outgoing and have fun. It's like I'm on the street corner looking into this shop that has the different things to do in life; I see the possibilities, and I do enjoy it when it happens. But, I'm such a loner. I always end up being the third person, or fifth, or seventh... you get the point.... if not let me know.

I like being with people, but I always feel like the odd Amanda out... you can laugh now..... anyway. I think that most of it is in my head, but the voices are so loud sometimes (Not the crazy type of voices, but the kind that everyone has ;-) They just keep telling me that I'm not good enough, that people wish I wasn't there, that I'm going to be single and never be a mom. God, please forgive me of the jealousy I feel towards certain people who have what I want. I don't want to covet that, but i can't see that road marker.

I'm so glad that there is a God; b/c whenever I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and don't see where I'm supposed to go from here, I know that He knows what is coming up next. He knows where i'll end up. And when this life is all over, I will get to go up there and sing awesome songs to Him forever! When I was younger, I used to think that it sounded boring to sing all the time. But now that I'm finding songs that mean a lot to me I look forward to the idea. I wonder if He'll give us tasks to do every day, and then we'll gather with Him the rest of the time. I don't know. But I do know it'll be better than being here. I have a hope now, for when He comes back. I also used to think it weird that people would pray for Him to come back; that is also another thing I have come to understand lately. I pray for it too now. Amen Come Lord Jesus! Rev. 20:22.

At the beginning of this year I talked about how 23 was the adult year for me. I don't feel totally like an adult, yet. But I can see myself growing. It's nice to know that I'm not as blind to God as I think I am sometimes. I can just picture him snapping his fingers in my face trying to get my attention. So, I tell Him quite often that He has to lead me by the hand. I should probably start doing my part by getting to know Him better. Do people around me even know I'm a Christian? Or can they just tell I'm different, but don't know why? Is that good enough?

I need a good friend Lord. I'm so lonely, in my safe room. I thank you for the people that are around me, but Lord I yearn for a heart friend. Someone that gets me, that I won't have to worry about whether or they are just being nice. I hate fake. The little bit I get at CR just makes me crave it even more. But whenever I think about asking someone to do something my insecurities start screaming at me. Help me with that.

I also thought I should add the Application if you think you fit my list. Just fill this out and email it to me at Mandakate26@aol.com I'll post the best ones I get. :-)

I'm a hopeless romantic. That is a fact that I'm coming to terms with. 

I don't like it at all though because it causes me a lot of pain. 

I usually end up disappointed when I dream up these wonderful things, and then they aren't even close to reality. Or at least my reality so far. I've been reading the book Twilight. Which is a romantic story. I need to stop though because I'm just torturing myself with it. It's making me so lonely. And then of course I watched two romantic movies this afternoon, which didn't help at all.

Why do I do this to myself?!

I'm trying to figure out what I want in a guy. It's really hard to know, b/c it's not really anything that I can out into words. A lot of it is feelings, which are terribly complicated things. So I don't know what to do. I don't know what is unrealistic on my list, or what I should consider non-negotiable. I....... don't know...... this ...... this is all so confusing. And then I feel silly for saying anything, b/c I wonder who would want me. I don't see any good in myself. Why do I feel so ...... i don't know. I'm really spilling my guts on here. I should have just gone to CR. But my sympathizer is on the other side now. I'm almost at the point where I think I could talk myself into falling for someone again, even though my brain is shaking it's head at me the whole time ( just go with it ). Here's my list so far:

• A Godly man, who has a relationship with God. And is working on it. 
• Someone who makes me laugh
• Someone who knows when to be serious
• Someone who is close to his family, and parents
• Who is willing to work on himself
• Who wants children
• Who wants a similar lifestyle that I want
• Laid back
• Forgiving
• Kind
• Smart

That's a short one. I don't really know why I put that on here, mostly to get it out of my head. Should I finish Twilight? Or put it off till I get over this valley? 

Dear Heavenly Father,

I need You to help me be patient. I'm not asking for trials to make me more patient, but help to exercise the patience I do have. I know it's in there somewhere, but it's hiding on me in this part of my life. I know that You are the only one that can see what is coming up ahead. So, naturally You should be the one taking the wheel. Once again this is my feeble attempt at handing it over to You. I apologize ahead of time for screwing up and taking it back, b/c I know that will happen. I am just dust after all. I thank you so much for all the blessings, and want to focus on those instead of what I don't have. Help me to be a good steward of the money that You are giving me with my new job. And help me to know what to do about my car. Forgive me for my shortcomings. And help me to live in a way that is pleasing to you. 

In Jesus Name Amen

The beginning and end. The Alpha and Omega. Genesis and Revelation. Birth and death. 

Freshman and Senior. 

I know these probable seem like big things compared to school. But I was thinking of some of my friends today who are graduating from college. They started out a young Freshman, probably nervous when stepping on the big campus (I know I was!). But now __ years later they are finishing a part of their lives. They 

have completed one more phase in the continuous thing that we call life. I am so proud of them for sticking it out, and finishing so well. 

Now that they are finishing this phase they will inevitably move into the next one. It isn't something that they can stop, now that they are this far. They have already started moving into that next part emotionally. Some are physically moving to start this new phase, and others are changing jobs. It can be so scary when you are stepping out on to the invisible path that is before you. This makes me think of Indiana Jones when he steps out onto what look like nothing; only to discover a hidden bridge. 

Thankfully when we are stepping out on faith there is someone that has seen the path before us. He has already been there, he knows what is over the next hill, or mountain. I am so thankful for a Savior that is looking out for me, and that knows what is coming up next in my path. He wants us to trust Him, and to keep our eyes on Him while we're walking the treacherous path. And to ask for His guidance when choosing a path to follow. And the best part is that there was no beginning to Him, and there will be no end to Him. So, He's always gonna be there for us.

But, unfortunately we aren't guaranteed a smooth path when following Him. I have really learned that this past year. But He has been faithful to me, knowing what is best for me the whole time. And He will continue to do so the rest of my life, as long as I keep my teachable heart. 

Dear Lord,

Please bless my dear friends as they embark on a new journey in their lives. Please help them to look to You for guidance, and to keep their eye on you instead of what is around them. Please Lord keep them safe in this new time of their lives. Give them teachable hearts, and open eyes; so they can see and learn what you are trying to show them. Help them to form a great support group around them during this time, because that is also crucial to their success. Thank you so much Father for hearing our hearts. 

In Jesus Name Amen

I can't wait till next week is over!!!

But then again I wish I had a week of vacation before I started my new job. 

I'd like to start an online Bible study, but I'm not totally sure how to do it. I think it would be easier to do an online one because then people could just respond when they have time. I'd like the first one to be from the book "Captivating". So, if you'd like to be a part of this Bible study let me know.  I have the workbook, so I will be pulling the questions from that. so you don't have to buy it if you don't want to.

Also I think it'd be better that it is closed once it gets started so we can share openly. Just leave a message on here, or email me at Mandakate26@aol.com if you are interested. And I'll let you know once I find a way to do it.

Also it will start after May 15. I'm not starting anything until the semester is over.

How can it be possible that one guy repulses me, drives me crazy half the time, acts like an idiot, does a whole bunch of stuff that I don't agree with; and yet every time I see him he it makes me smile, and has some really great qualities, is working on his relationship with God, and is working hard on his degree. 

But the thing is... he doesn't know I exist. 

At least in a romantic way. 

Why can't I get him out of my head?!?!