Getting stuff off my chest....

First rant....

Why does life have to be so aggravating? And why do I have to be so co-dependent? Do I have a big sign on my forehead or something that draws people to me that want someone to take care of them?!?!? And if so how do I get rid of it? I'm so irritated at myself for being wrapped up in everything so much that I went this long without looking at it. Actually I did but I didn't want to believe what I saw. Now what do I do? God, how do I fix this problem? Actually, can you just do it for me? Can I just focus on the other pile that's about to fall on me? 

Second rant....

I don't want to be in school anymore!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so tired of these meaningless classes that just take up my time. I don't see what they have to do with anything. Why can't they just give us a test to see how well rounded we already are, and if we haven't been in a box our whole life then we can skip these classes. I would so much rather be spending my time on classes that I'm going to need for my job. But I can't just skip these, so probably by the time I get to them I'm going to be so irritated that I won't be able to focus. And then I won't get a job right out of school and I'll end up copying coloring pages for the next 15 years until I've forgotten everything I went to school for. Then finally I'll find a job, and won't get it because I can't even remember what I majored in, or how to spell resources, or Bachelors Degree! 

Ok I think I can sleep now... goodnight. 

Why do I have such a hard time accepting love? It makes me so uncomfortable to accept praise from people, I just want to get it over with or pass it off onto someone else. I don't like attention on me. I don't feel like I'm worth putting time into. Where did this come from?

(Not) Spring Break

Wow this week has flown by! But it has been a good break from all of the craziness. I had surgery on my knee on Tuesday the 10th. It was to repair a tear in my lateral meniscus. The surgery went really well, nothing has hurt very much. God has really stepped in on this whole process. I'm honestly really overwhelmed with how loving and nice everyone is being. I don't really feel like I deserve it. I'm more used to being the one that is taking care of everyone. I've not been a patient before. It really amazed me at how everyone wanted to pray over me at CR. I almost felt like a bigger deal was being made of it than was needed. But I'm so very thankful that everything went so well, so I have to believe that God answered their prayers. I've never heard of a recovery as quick as the one I'm having. 

So, some may not have thought this seemed like that great of a Spring break, but other than having one bad night of pain I've had a great break. I've spent the week reading and relaxing, and spending time with Katelyn. I have started a book that I've been meaning to read since Christmas. And I have spent time with some new friends that I'm really excited about getting to know. 

This may sound weird, but I'm thankful that this surgery was this week. It slowed me down so I could enjoy the things that I have been too busy too enjoy in a long time. I just wish it hadn't flown by.

Astounded, Appalled, Crushed, Mad!!!

I don't know if you got to watch the Super Bowl last night, but every year there is one reason that I sit down and watch football (well three but the other two will just take away from my point), and that is the commercials. I usually avoid commercials, but they usually have funnier ones during the Super Bowl.  This year I didn't go to a Super Bowl party, so I didn't see any of the commercials. Any way, me and Chris decided to watch them and see if there were any good ones. There were a few OK ones, but there were a lot of beer commercials. But that isn't why I'm writing this. I can't believe it even as I'm writing it.

There was a commercial for an online dating site that targets married people looking to have an affair!!!!! I can't believe it!! I'm still appalled as I think about it. I mean what is this world coming to? Is there no respect for marriage these days? I mean I know that it's not easy, and yes I know that I will never know how hard it is until I am married but there is just NO EXCUSE for someone to cheat. Let alone a company to make money off people having affairs!! People just give up on each other so easily now, it's like they go into it saying that if it gets too hard they can always bail. Well that shouldn't be an option, I mean why get married at all if you're going to give up at the first tough moment. Why not save all that money that you spent on the Wedding (this white dress that if you actually thought about what it meant you wouldn't be wearing one). Why not just take that money and go on a vacation and then part your ways, b/c you can't seem to take any more of each other than how you are on a vacation. 

I try not to judge others, but honestly it is hard. But how can I when my sins are just as bad as theirs. I can only ask forgiveness when I sin, and when I judge others. I hope that God will forgive us for our sins. We are so blessed to have such a merciful and loving God, that doesn't just wipe us out when we screw up. I hope that I will not be the only one to speak out against this. Please God forgive us.

Back to WKU

Well I just finished my first week at WKU. It was an interesting week with the fact that it snowed, so I only had two days of classes. I have been praying about a job constantly for a month now. I just didn't know what to do about it, because I have a weird school schedule from registering late. So, I applied at WKU for a couple jobs and I heard back from one but somehow we never got connected to set up an interview. I guess I wasn't supposed to have that job. I'm OK with that, I've been praying that God would only open the doors that He wants me to go through; because honestly I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. Well, Monday while I was trying to rest after my first two classes I had the idea that I could take a couple more classes instead of trying to find a job. So, I went and talked to my mom and she liked the idea. I quickly added two more classes which makes for a total of 6, or 18 hours. I've never taken more than 12 credit hours at a time, so I was a little nervous at first. But, I feel like I'm well equipped. I have an awesome laptop, which has Microsoft word suite on it. And I've already gotten all of my classes put onto a calendar. I feel very organized so far. I think this semester should go smooth. 

Also, there is a job opening here in town for an administrative assistant. And it seems like there would be possibility to move up later on if I wanted to. I'm excited about that, but I'm just trying to go through the doors that seem to open and then continue to pray about it. I feel really peaceful about everything that is going on. I'm happy, which I wasn't while I was in Nashville. I never thought I'd be back at Western this soon, but you never know what God's plan is. It makes me feel better to know that it's not all up to me to make the decisions for my future. Because if it was I'd really screw it up. 

I'm starting a step study on Tuesday. I'm so excited about it!! I know it's not going to be easy, but I feel like I will finally be able to work through some stuff in my life. And who knows maybe I'll come out of it with some really great friends. Mom got me the Life Recovery Bible as a late Christmas present. I love it so far, it's so easy to read. I feel like I finally have an idea of what people are always talking about when they say they can't put it down. I've never had that before. I've always had a hard time getting into the Bible, and being able to understand it. But I find myself reading way past the devotional reading. It's actually reading like stories, and I love that because I always love hearing people talk about the cool things they find in the Bible; but I can never find that for myself. 

I made it to Curves three times this week!! That's two weeks in a row! I'm very proud of myself for that, and I'm really starting to enjoy it again. Other that the fact that my knee hurts sometimes. I really need to go to the doctor about that, but I don't want to waste money if he's just going to tell me something stupid. Especially since it's feeling fine most of the time. But I don't need a long term injury either. I guess it's one thing at a time.  

Happy New Year!!

This is the year, the year that will change all future years that have yet to come. The year that I will turn 23, the Barnes and Noble year in my head. The year that I will officially become an adult(or so I thought when I was little). I just pray that last year's trials will help me to bear the ones to come. I learned a lot about myself this year, but I still have so much to learn. I realized that I really don't know anything. I also realized that Nashville is not the perfect town that it seemed 3 years ago.....

People always talk about New Years resolutions. What they want to have accomplished by the end of the year. I don't know if it's a way to track how we are doing in our lives, or if it's just another check list. I have in my backpack an issue of a wonderful magazine, who's name has escaped me at the moment, the magazine is all about lists. 

Real Simple!!! That's it, goodness if I'm this bad at 22..... anyway.

But it's about how to make lists to help you remember things, and it has different lists that you can copy, that sort of thing. Another thing that got me on this topic is that Susan and I went and saw "Marley and Me", which is an awesome movie; in there the girl has a list of what she wants done next in her life until she gets into her life then she realizes that what she has is better than anything that she could think of. 

The connection to me is that I had a list of what I thought I would have done in my life about a year or so ago. I hadn't met a guy, that was worth writing home about, so I just figured God didn't think it was my time yet. So, my way to deal with that was to plan out my life (I'm sure God was rolling His eyes at that, like I really know anything); anyway part of that was to get a career that would take up all of my time so I wouldn't realize I didn't have any body. I found a school that led to a job like that, and dreamt about that school for two years. I've always had something in the future that I was living for, because I wasn't ever happy with my current circumstances. Or I was being picked at so much that I was talked into thinking I couldn't be happy because of my weight. That didn't help the situation at all. Because my solution for being uncomfortable is to eat something. I'm on a tangent. 

This year my plans were shot, my list was torn up. God showed me that I don't know how to plan my life, because I don't know what is really going to happen in the future. Only He does. So, I moved to Nashville for 3 months then moved home (that is the short version). I also found a guy (well that was the year before, but he moved up here this year), we are serious and talking about marriage (only in future terms so don't start ring watching yet). The cool thing is that he seems to be what I prayed for, that doesn't mean it's easy but I feel like God will bless us. I just need to learn how to wait for God. Maybe make lists without it being my way of telling God what I'm going to be doing. 

My New Years resolution is different this year than it has been. My normal one is to lose weight; but through Celebrate Recovery I'm starting to realize that my weight is not the problem, rather it's the visible symptom of another problem(s). I'm not totally sure what that is yet, but I'm going to work on that. So, that is part of my resolution. To get to know myself better, and work on who I want to be instead of just staying busy and hoping I turn out alright. 

My other resolution is to live in the moment more. I have been living in the future for as long as I can remember. Always talking about what I'm going to do when I get done with where I am right now. I didn't realize that I was doing that. I don't want to miss out on my 20's. I want to travel some, and have fun. But I also want to get to know God. Because I don't want to be the driving force in my life, I can't see the road ahead so how can I do anything but crash? I don't really know what this all really means just yet, but I kinda feel like I'm coming out of a fog I didn't know I was in. Maybe this will be the beginning of a really awesome time in my life. I just have to keep giving God my fears, b/c I have a lot of them and they are the fog. Thank you God for this clarity. I give this to You, In Jesus Name Amen. 

Long time no write......

Wow this has been some crazy months. Since I last wrote I moved to Nashville, have my own apartment, and am currently working full time and going to school. That may tell you a little bit of why I haven't written. 

Some awesome things that have happened are that my boyfriend and I just celebrated the fact that we've been together one year!!! I never would have thought a year ago that I would be talking about being with someone at all, let alone a year. I am so blessed to be loved by him, he is such a wonderful kind and caring man. God really answered my prayers with him. 

For our anniversary he planned a whole day of activities, which is so cool that he spent all that time to plan that stuff. He woke me up with breakfast in be, pancakes and sausage (which he made by the way, he has never cooked before so I was very impressed). Then we just kinda hung out the rest of the morning, and then we went and saw that new Richard Gere and Diane Lane movie Nights in Rodanthe. It was soooo good and very romantic, he did very well. Then we went to Barnes & Noble, which to some people may not be very romantic but the fact that he knows that that's where I love to go and relax is very romantic to me. I love going there and hadn't been in a long time, and really needed it after the long week I had had. Then after that we went home and dressed up a bit and then he took me out to one of my favorite restaurants, O' Charley's. It was the perfect day, I loved every bit of it especially because I had a whole day with him, and that he had done a lot of work to plan it. I love him very very much, and am so thankful God answered my prayers. He was worth the wait. 

I am doing well in my classes so far, I actually should be studying right now instead of being on here but my laptop was calling my name. Well I'm going to go plan out some lunches for the week, I'm trying not to eat out as much or at all. Hope this finds you well.