Well hello there...

I click on the link to my blog every once in a while to check on it and make sure that it's still doing ok, but I haven't actually made it feel welcome for a while. My excuse is the same one that I gave the last time I made an entry. I have been working on my bachelors for a year and a half straight now, which means that there is only two weeks between each quarter, but thankfully I should be done this September.

Honestly, it scares the crap out of me to be almost done with my degree; because when I get that piece of paper then I have to get an adult job. Not that I don't work now, because I do work full time half the year, and a little more than part time the rest of the year. I'm talking about a "suit" type of job, you know the kind where you make big decisions. lol I just still feel like a little kid who is tricking everyone into thinking that I've grown up. Like, I honestly have this fear that they're going to look at me one day and ask me "what are you doing here?" I don't know why that runs through my head though, because I do my best at work and feel like I have a handle on it (most of the time). Plus my boss seems to like my decisions, so I must not be doing to bad. But I feel like I get in this comfort zone and would rather just stay there than move up and have to learn everything over again.


There's this dog that lives a couple houses down, it sounds exactly like my old dog's high pitched bark. The bark that we would hear when he was tired of asking to come inside, and was probably using choice words to tell us to let him in. It makes me miss him to hear that bark. Not, the Albert that could hardly walk on our hardwood floors, or the one that would run into walls b/c he couldn't see; but the Albert the would let me hug him as I went to sleep at night, and the one that would sit on the back of the couch like a cat. I keep making hints about getting another one, but since I'm so busy it would actually be my mom's dog again, and she said she's still on dogcation. He was barking just now, so that's why you got to go one the ride down memory lane with me; wasn't it fun?!

Well that's all that's on my mind right now, thank you for your prayers!!

Amanda Quiz 1

Blog
Quiz1
Amanda
3/22/2010

Oh wait this isn't homework, lol well You can probably figure out what I've been doing. I have had two of the hardest quarters EVER, in my college career. I'm so completely exhausted. But thanks to God I am pulling through. The one good thing about these last 7 months is that I have learned to rely on God more. I have struggled through all of the stress, and have doubted myself most of the time. I have doubted pretty much every decision I've made. But God has been faithful this whole time. He has brought me through this, I am nothing without Him. I was reading in 1 Corinthians last night where they were talking about how it was better to be single, because you have less responsibility and a better chance to get closer to God. So, I'm going to try and come at it from that angle instead of feeling sorry for myself. I'm not saying that I won't go through some lonely moments, but I'm going to try and put my focus on Him. Thankfully the percentage he expects from me is tiny compared to what He's willing to put in. That's about it for now, hopefully I can get on here more. What kind of stuff would you like to see me talk about on here?

Some guy told me today that some people aren't meant to get married. And that maybe I was one of them. If people weren't meant to get married then why did God make Eve in the first place?! Why did He make Adam a partner so He wouldn't be lonely if He didn't mean for them to be together?

This comment really hurt, b/c I want nothing more than to be a mom. I told him this, and he said why don't you adopt? I said b/c I want to be married first, I think my kids should have a dad.

Honestly, now that I think about it I wonder if that is just a defense mechanism so he won't feel so lonely. Or, is my saying that just a defense mechanism so I won't feel crappy about his comment?

What do you think?

I hate the process of getting over someone. It sucks. And when you've had to do it in the past, those memories butt in too. So, it becomes a big party of memories; one of those parties that you want to leave. And then to add on to the rest of it if you had dreams that involved being in a relationship, the process of getting over that person signifies one Giant step back. Then, you have to start all over again; talking, making sure they're not psycho, well at least not past the line you've drawn.

I was reading this book earlier today and it was talking about a similar thing. The one girl, who was recently engaged, was saying that she would have thought that by her age she would have know what she was OK overlooking in a potential husband. That has been on my mind a lot lately. That there is no perfect man, he may come and sweep you off your feet; but at some point he's going to fart in public, or say something really stupid that hurts your feelings. That's just reality. So, we have to decide what flaw we are willing to put up with (actually make that plural, we are trying to be realistic here) ;-) How do we make that list though? How do we make sure that we aren't overlooking flaws that shouldn't be overlooked? What are those flaws? I wish there was a list somewhere that would just tell us what they look like. And then some way to pull our heads' out of the clouds, once we have fallen, so we can look at that list.

Of course though, when I think about all the flaws in guys, I think of the one man that is flawless. My savior, Jesus Christ. He is the one man who will never let me down; He knows how to take care of me, and what my heart truly desires. It's hard to see that though sometimes when I am all wrapped up in other things. But, He's patiently waiting for me to catch on. Thankfully he already know that I'm a little slow. I just need to learn to be patient for His perfect timing. If my desires align with His will then I will have them; if not, then He has something better in store for me.

Lord,

Help me to wait for your timing, because I don't know what I'm doing. Help me to open my eyes, to see when something is from you. Thank you for the many blessings that You have given me.

In Jesus Name Amen

Life flies by so very fast. I know that the best part is yet to come, but I don't want to go through life without having gotten it. I look through the pictures of people having a great time, who seem to have gotten the memo on how to be outgoing and have fun. It's like I'm on the street corner looking into this shop that has the different things to do in life; I see the possibilities, and I do enjoy it when it happens. But, I'm such a loner. I always end up being the third person, or fifth, or seventh... you get the point.... if not let me know.

I like being with people, but I always feel like the odd Amanda out... you can laugh now..... anyway. I think that most of it is in my head, but the voices are so loud sometimes (Not the crazy type of voices, but the kind that everyone has ;-) They just keep telling me that I'm not good enough, that people wish I wasn't there, that I'm going to be single and never be a mom. God, please forgive me of the jealousy I feel towards certain people who have what I want. I don't want to covet that, but i can't see that road marker.

I'm so glad that there is a God; b/c whenever I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and don't see where I'm supposed to go from here, I know that He knows what is coming up next. He knows where i'll end up. And when this life is all over, I will get to go up there and sing awesome songs to Him forever! When I was younger, I used to think that it sounded boring to sing all the time. But now that I'm finding songs that mean a lot to me I look forward to the idea. I wonder if He'll give us tasks to do every day, and then we'll gather with Him the rest of the time. I don't know. But I do know it'll be better than being here. I have a hope now, for when He comes back. I also used to think it weird that people would pray for Him to come back; that is also another thing I have come to understand lately. I pray for it too now. Amen Come Lord Jesus! Rev. 20:22.

At the beginning of this year I talked about how 23 was the adult year for me. I don't feel totally like an adult, yet. But I can see myself growing. It's nice to know that I'm not as blind to God as I think I am sometimes. I can just picture him snapping his fingers in my face trying to get my attention. So, I tell Him quite often that He has to lead me by the hand. I should probably start doing my part by getting to know Him better. Do people around me even know I'm a Christian? Or can they just tell I'm different, but don't know why? Is that good enough?

I need a good friend Lord. I'm so lonely, in my safe room. I thank you for the people that are around me, but Lord I yearn for a heart friend. Someone that gets me, that I won't have to worry about whether or they are just being nice. I hate fake. The little bit I get at CR just makes me crave it even more. But whenever I think about asking someone to do something my insecurities start screaming at me. Help me with that.

I also thought I should add the Application if you think you fit my list. Just fill this out and email it to me at Mandakate26@aol.com I'll post the best ones I get. :-)

I'm a hopeless romantic. That is a fact that I'm coming to terms with. 

I don't like it at all though because it causes me a lot of pain. 

I usually end up disappointed when I dream up these wonderful things, and then they aren't even close to reality. Or at least my reality so far. I've been reading the book Twilight. Which is a romantic story. I need to stop though because I'm just torturing myself with it. It's making me so lonely. And then of course I watched two romantic movies this afternoon, which didn't help at all.

Why do I do this to myself?!

I'm trying to figure out what I want in a guy. It's really hard to know, b/c it's not really anything that I can out into words. A lot of it is feelings, which are terribly complicated things. So I don't know what to do. I don't know what is unrealistic on my list, or what I should consider non-negotiable. I....... don't know...... this ...... this is all so confusing. And then I feel silly for saying anything, b/c I wonder who would want me. I don't see any good in myself. Why do I feel so ...... i don't know. I'm really spilling my guts on here. I should have just gone to CR. But my sympathizer is on the other side now. I'm almost at the point where I think I could talk myself into falling for someone again, even though my brain is shaking it's head at me the whole time ( just go with it ). Here's my list so far:

• A Godly man, who has a relationship with God. And is working on it. 
• Someone who makes me laugh
• Someone who knows when to be serious
• Someone who is close to his family, and parents
• Who is willing to work on himself
• Who wants children
• Who wants a similar lifestyle that I want
• Laid back
• Forgiving
• Kind
• Smart

That's a short one. I don't really know why I put that on here, mostly to get it out of my head. Should I finish Twilight? Or put it off till I get over this valley? 

Dear Heavenly Father,

I need You to help me be patient. I'm not asking for trials to make me more patient, but help to exercise the patience I do have. I know it's in there somewhere, but it's hiding on me in this part of my life. I know that You are the only one that can see what is coming up ahead. So, naturally You should be the one taking the wheel. Once again this is my feeble attempt at handing it over to You. I apologize ahead of time for screwing up and taking it back, b/c I know that will happen. I am just dust after all. I thank you so much for all the blessings, and want to focus on those instead of what I don't have. Help me to be a good steward of the money that You are giving me with my new job. And help me to know what to do about my car. Forgive me for my shortcomings. And help me to live in a way that is pleasing to you. 

In Jesus Name Amen