Life flies by so very fast. I know that the best part is yet to come, but I don't want to go through life without having gotten it. I look through the pictures of people having a great time, who seem to have gotten the memo on how to be outgoing and have fun. It's like I'm on the street corner looking into this shop that has the different things to do in life; I see the possibilities, and I do enjoy it when it happens. But, I'm such a loner. I always end up being the third person, or fifth, or seventh... you get the point.... if not let me know.

I like being with people, but I always feel like the odd Amanda out... you can laugh now..... anyway. I think that most of it is in my head, but the voices are so loud sometimes (Not the crazy type of voices, but the kind that everyone has ;-) They just keep telling me that I'm not good enough, that people wish I wasn't there, that I'm going to be single and never be a mom. God, please forgive me of the jealousy I feel towards certain people who have what I want. I don't want to covet that, but i can't see that road marker.

I'm so glad that there is a God; b/c whenever I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and don't see where I'm supposed to go from here, I know that He knows what is coming up next. He knows where i'll end up. And when this life is all over, I will get to go up there and sing awesome songs to Him forever! When I was younger, I used to think that it sounded boring to sing all the time. But now that I'm finding songs that mean a lot to me I look forward to the idea. I wonder if He'll give us tasks to do every day, and then we'll gather with Him the rest of the time. I don't know. But I do know it'll be better than being here. I have a hope now, for when He comes back. I also used to think it weird that people would pray for Him to come back; that is also another thing I have come to understand lately. I pray for it too now. Amen Come Lord Jesus! Rev. 20:22.

At the beginning of this year I talked about how 23 was the adult year for me. I don't feel totally like an adult, yet. But I can see myself growing. It's nice to know that I'm not as blind to God as I think I am sometimes. I can just picture him snapping his fingers in my face trying to get my attention. So, I tell Him quite often that He has to lead me by the hand. I should probably start doing my part by getting to know Him better. Do people around me even know I'm a Christian? Or can they just tell I'm different, but don't know why? Is that good enough?

I need a good friend Lord. I'm so lonely, in my safe room. I thank you for the people that are around me, but Lord I yearn for a heart friend. Someone that gets me, that I won't have to worry about whether or they are just being nice. I hate fake. The little bit I get at CR just makes me crave it even more. But whenever I think about asking someone to do something my insecurities start screaming at me. Help me with that.