Caution: Woman's emotions up ahead

Another warning is that I'm probably going to ramble throughout this whole blog; so if you can't tell exactly what I said at the end hopefully you'll get what I am/have been feeling.

My biological clock has been screaming at me lately. Not like "Hey pay attention here!" kind of yelling, but kid in the grocery store getting as much of a tantrum in before he gets his butt beat in the parking lot kind of screaming. I have thoroughly analyzed my feelings, as every control issue type person should; and I have come up with several possibilities for why I am feeling this way. 

1. I was in a wedding earlier this year, which sends emotions screaming if you are not married yet. Let alone if you had just gotten out of a relationship the week before. 
2. My cousin is getting married in June, and I am so very happy for her. But, she is 3 years younger than me. Now if that isn't a kick in the butt. Yes, I know, I shouldn't compare my life to others. But, it happens, you know you do it. 
3. Another girl I know is getting married, in June. But, I guess this is a product of me usually being friends with people older than me. So, therefore, they're at a different stage in life. Honestly a stage that I would rather be at, or feel like I would fit better in. 
4. A LOT has changed in this past year. To help you visualize (no I don't know why this is what popped into my head) think of a train going down the train tracks. Then all of a sudden, it is on one of those things that changes its direction. And its spinning it really fast, and when it stops spinning the train is in a totally different location. Not, where it expected to be at all. (Yes, I know, trains don't have thoughts or feelings. So just picture Thomas if that makes you feel better.) Well I feel like that is what has happened to me, several times, this year. And I still don't know where my direction is. I have talked about this a lot lately, and have tried really hard to let go and trust God. But, I am just really bothered by this black darkness in front of me. I'm almost afraid I'm going to fall off some cliff or something. I guess I have to just keep giving it to Him. 
5. When I was younger I would always say, "I want to wait until I have a great career, and made some big accomplishments before I get married and have kids." and "I don't think I could ever be a stay-at-home mom, I would get so bored!" Well I think I've changed my mind. All I can think about now, is getting married and being a stay-at-home mom. I know it can be done financially if the dad is willing, and the mom is frugal. My parents live in a really nice house, with my dad's retirement. I mean we're not rich or anything. But the more stuff you have, the more stuff you have to dust. So, I think I'd be OK with less. Or I could at least work part-time. See, here I go planning it all out again. Like I know what's going to happen, or could even control it. I just need to keep praying that God's will be done. And that He will give me what my heart truly desires. This was brought up again by reading an old friend's blog, who is a pregnant stay-at-home mom. It looks so good from this side Of the fence. But stuff always looks great from the other side. 

I must have it all out right now, because I can't think of any other things. And, for now, my clock has stopped screaming at me. 

I am sitting here tonight at the end of a long, non-productive feeling week. I am trying to get out of the rut that I feel that I am in. So I'm doing that by doing a mask, so get my skin looking better. And I'm also going to do some laundry. 

Lacey's last post inspired me to share with you one of my favorite worship songs. It was recorded by the Newsboys. I just want to sing it at the top of my lungs whenever I hear it. Here is the video on YouTube.

Devotion

all my world
all I've lost
the wrecks I've made here
the lives it cost
Your hand restores
Your works make whole
with all my soul
I thank You
I owe You
all my

CHORUS:
devotion
all that I have to give
here's my devotion
You're all that it means to live

all my past
my tainted main
You stole its legacy
of pride and shame
You're all I love
You're all I fear
I'm drawing near
to face You
to know You
to show You

(CHORUS)

You found me
in a shallow grave
You tracked me out from beneath it all
You healed me
saved me
in the nick of time
Your perfect time
You found me (found me)
in a shallow grave (in a shallow grave)
You called me out from beneath it all
You touched me (touched me)
saved me (saved me)
in the nick of time
in Your perfect time

I devote all I have to You
I devote all that You've made new
all You restored that day You bled
all that You brought back from the dead

Last week was really.....I can't even think of how to explain it. To let you know I'm sitting on my bed looking at a floor that is totally covered in clean clothes. Usually they're dirty. And there is also a pile of my ex's clothes in the corner. Not the most exciting thing to be pulling those out of the closet. If that doesn't give you enough of a clue of how draining (that's the word!) my week has been I don't know how to explain it any better. I just feel like I haven't had time to catch up, and I do at night because I'm not working, right now at least. 

But I don't know. Life is so complicated. 

Why does it have to be that way?!?! 

Why do people have to be so masked, and closed off? I just want need to be with someone that is who they say they are. Who means what they Say they mean. I hate having to guess if they're just saying it because they think it sounds good at the time. I wish I had just stayed at CR tonight because I don't feel like I got anything out of the other thing. And now I don't feel any better than I did before. I guess I should be folding clothes instead of blogging. But this is getting some stuff off my chest. I just hope this week goes better. I hope I get to spend time with friends this week too, they're so much better than family most of the time!! Can I just trade them in?

I've been feeling really lonely lately. But I need to wait on God's timing. It's hard though.