the blah blog

Well hello there...

2011-01-18T21:09:00.003-06:00

I click on the link to my blog every once in a while to check on it and make sure that it's still doing ok, but I haven't actually made it feel welcome for a while. My excuse is the same one that I gave the last time I made an entry. I have been working on my bachelors for a year and a half straight now, which means that there is only two weeks between each quarter, but thankfully I should be done this September.

Honestly, it scares the crap out of me to be almost done with my degree; because when I get that piece of paper then I have to get an adult job. Not that I don't work now, because I do work full time half the year, and a little more than part time the rest of the year. I'm talking about a "suit" type of job, you know the kind where you make big decisions. lol I just still feel like a little kid who is tricking everyone into thinking that I've grown up. Like, I honestly have this fear that they're going to look at me one day and ask me "what are you doing here?" I don't know why that runs through my head though, because I do my best at work and feel like I have a handle on it (most of the time). Plus my boss seems to like my decisions, so I must not be doing to bad. But I feel like I get in this comfort zone and would rather just stay there than move up and have to learn everything over again.

There's this dog that lives a couple houses down, it sounds exactly like my old dog's high pitched bark. The bark that we would hear when he was tired of asking to come inside, and was probably using choice words to tell us to let him in. It makes me miss him to hear that bark. Not, the Albert that could hardly walk on our hardwood floors, or the one that would run into walls b/c he couldn't see; but the Albert the would let me hug him as I went to sleep at night, and the one that would sit on the back of the couch like a cat. I keep making hints about getting another one, but since I'm so busy it would actually be my mom's dog again, and she said she's still on dogcation. He was barking just now, so that's why you got to go one the ride down memory lane with me; wasn't it fun?!

Well that's all that's on my mind right now, thank you for your prayers!!

Amanda Quiz 1

2010-03-22T20:15:00.003-05:00

Blog
Quiz1
Amanda
3/22/2010

Oh wait this isn't homework, lol well You can probably figure out what I've been doing. I have had two of the hardest quarters EVER, in my college career. I'm so completely exhausted. But thanks to God I am pulling through. The one good thing about these last 7 months is that I have learned to rely on God more. I have struggled through all of the stress, and have doubted myself most of the time. I have doubted pretty much every decision I've made. But God has been faithful this whole time. He has brought me through this, I am nothing without Him. I was reading in 1 Corinthians last night where they were talking about how it was better to be single, because you have less responsibility and a better chance to get closer to God. So, I'm going to try and come at it from that angle instead of feeling sorry for myself. I'm not saying that I won't go through some lonely moments, but I'm going to try and put my focus on Him. Thankfully the percentage he expects from me is tiny compared to what He's willing to put in. That's about it for now, hopefully I can get on here more. What kind of stuff would you like to see me talk about on here?

2009-08-23T01:25:00.002-05:00

Some guy told me today that some people aren't meant to get married. And that maybe I was one of them. If people weren't meant to get married then why did God make Eve in the first place?! Why did He make Adam a partner so He wouldn't be lonely if He didn't mean for them to be together?

This comment really hurt, b/c I want nothing more than to be a mom. I told him this, and he said why don't you adopt? I said b/c I want to be married first, I think my kids should have a dad.

Honestly, now that I think about it I wonder if that is just a defense mechanism so he won't feel so lonely. Or, is my saying that just a defense mechanism so I won't feel crappy about his comment?

What do you think?

2009-07-14T23:16:00.004-05:00

I hate the process of getting over someone. It sucks. And when you've had to do it in the past, those memories butt in too. So, it becomes a big party of memories; one of those parties that you want to leave. And then to add on to the rest of it if you had dreams that involved being in a relationship, the process of getting over that person signifies one Giant step back. Then, you have to start all over again; talking, making sure they're not psycho, well at least not past the line you've drawn.

I was reading this book earlier today and it was talking about a similar thing. The one girl, who was recently engaged, was saying that she would have thought that by her age she would have know what she was OK overlooking in a potential husband. That has been on my mind a lot lately. That there is no perfect man, he may come and sweep you off your feet; but at some point he's going to fart in public, or say something really stupid that hurts your feelings. That's just reality. So, we have to decide what flaw we are willing to put up with (actually make that plural, we are trying to be realistic here) ;-) How do we make that list though? How do we make sure that we aren't overlooking flaws that shouldn't be overlooked? What are those flaws? I wish there was a list somewhere that would just tell us what they look like. And then some way to pull our heads' out of the clouds, once we have fallen, so we can look at that list.

Of course though, when I think about all the flaws in guys, I think of the one man that is flawless. My savior, Jesus Christ. He is the one man who will never let me down; He knows how to take care of me, and what my heart truly desires. It's hard to see that though sometimes when I am all wrapped up in other things. But, He's patiently waiting for me to catch on. Thankfully he already know that I'm a little slow. I just need to learn to be patient for His perfect timing. If my desires align with His will then I will have them; if not, then He has something better in store for me.

Lord,

Help me to wait for your timing, because I don't know what I'm doing. Help me to open my eyes, to see when something is from you. Thank you for the many blessings that You have given me.

In Jesus Name Amen

2009-07-12T23:55:00.003-05:00

Life flies by so very fast. I know that the best part is yet to come, but I don't want to go through life without having gotten it. I look through the pictures of people having a great time, who seem to have gotten the memo on how to be outgoing and have fun. It's like I'm on the street corner looking into this shop that has the different things to do in life; I see the possibilities, and I do enjoy it when it happens. But, I'm such a loner. I always end up being the third person, or fifth, or seventh... you get the point.... if not let me know.

I like being with people, but I always feel like the odd Amanda out... you can laugh now..... anyway. I think that most of it is in my head, but the voices are so loud sometimes (Not the crazy type of voices, but the kind that everyone has ;-) They just keep telling me that I'm not good enough, that people wish I wasn't there, that I'm going to be single and never be a mom. God, please forgive me of the jealousy I feel towards certain people who have what I want. I don't want to covet that, but i can't see that road marker.

I'm so glad that there is a God; b/c whenever I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and don't see where I'm supposed to go from here, I know that He knows what is coming up next. He knows where i'll end up. And when this life is all over, I will get to go up there and sing awesome songs to Him forever! When I was younger, I used to think that it sounded boring to sing all the time. But now that I'm finding songs that mean a lot to me I look forward to the idea. I wonder if He'll give us tasks to do every day, and then we'll gather with Him the rest of the time. I don't know. But I do know it'll be better than being here. I have a hope now, for when He comes back. I also used to think it weird that people would pray for Him to come back; that is also another thing I have come to understand lately. I pray for it too now. Amen Come Lord Jesus! Rev. 20:22.

At the beginning of this year I talked about how 23 was the adult year for me. I don't feel totally like an adult, yet. But I can see myself growing. It's nice to know that I'm not as blind to God as I think I am sometimes. I can just picture him snapping his fingers in my face trying to get my attention. So, I tell Him quite often that He has to lead me by the hand. I should probably start doing my part by getting to know Him better. Do people around me even know I'm a Christian? Or can they just tell I'm different, but don't know why? Is that good enough?

I need a good friend Lord. I'm so lonely, in my safe room. I thank you for the people that are around me, but Lord I yearn for a heart friend. Someone that gets me, that I won't have to worry about whether or they are just being nice. I hate fake. The little bit I get at CR just makes me crave it even more. But whenever I think about asking someone to do something my insecurities start screaming at me. Help me with that.

2009-06-09T22:01:00.001-05:00

I also thought I should add the Application if you think you fit my list. Just fill this out and email it to me at Mandakate26@aol.com I'll post the best ones I get. :-)

2009-06-07T23:39:00.003-05:00

I'm a hopeless romantic. That is a fact that I'm coming to terms with.

I don't like it at all though because it causes me a lot of pain.

I usually end up disappointed when I dream up these wonderful things, and then they aren't even close to reality. Or at least my reality so far. I've been reading the book Twilight. Which is a romantic story. I need to stop though because I'm just torturing myself with it. It's making me so lonely. And then of course I watched two romantic movies this afternoon, which didn't help at all.

Why do I do this to myself?!

I'm trying to figure out what I want in a guy. It's really hard to know, b/c it's not really anything that I can out into words. A lot of it is feelings, which are terribly complicated things. So I don't know what to do. I don't know what is unrealistic on my list, or what I should consider non-negotiable. I....... don't know...... this ...... this is all so confusing. And then I feel silly for saying anything, b/c I wonder who would want me. I don't see any good in myself. Why do I feel so ...... i don't know. I'm really spilling my guts on here. I should have just gone to CR. But my sympathizer is on the other side now. I'm almost at the point where I think I could talk myself into falling for someone again, even though my brain is shaking it's head at me the whole time ( just go with it ). Here's my list so far:

A Godly man, who has a relationship with God. And is working on it.
Someone who makes me laugh
Someone who knows when to be serious
Someone who is close to his family, and parents
Who is willing to work on himself
Who wants children
Who wants a similar lifestyle that I want
Laid back
Forgiving
Kind
Smart

That's a short one. I don't really know why I put that on here, mostly to get it out of my head. Should I finish Twilight? Or put it off till I get over this valley?

Dear Heavenly Father,

I need You to help me be patient. I'm not asking for trials to make me more patient, but help to exercise the patience I do have. I know it's in there somewhere, but it's hiding on me in this part of my life. I know that You are the only one that can see what is coming up ahead. So, naturally You should be the one taking the wheel. Once again this is my feeble attempt at handing it over to You. I apologize ahead of time for screwing up and taking it back, b/c I know that will happen. I am just dust after all. I thank you so much for all the blessings, and want to focus on those instead of what I don't have. Help me to be a good steward of the money that You are giving me with my new job. And help me to know what to do about my car. Forgive me for my shortcomings. And help me to live in a way that is pleasing to you.

In Jesus Name Amen

2009-05-14T18:26:00.003-05:00

The beginning and end. The Alpha and Omega. Genesis and Revelation. Birth and death.

Freshman and Senior.

I know these probable seem like big things compared to school. But I was thinking of some of my friends today who are graduating from college. They started out a young Freshman, probably nervous when stepping on the big campus (I know I was!). But now __ years later they are finishing a part of their lives. They

have completed one more phase in the continuous thing that we call life. I am so proud of them for sticking it out, and finishing so well.

Now that they are finishing this phase they will inevitably move into the next one. It isn't something that they can stop, now that they are this far. They have already started moving into that next part emotionally. Some are physically moving to start this new phase, and others are changing jobs. It can be so scary when you are stepping out on to the invisible path that is before you. This makes me think of Indiana Jones when he steps out onto what look like nothing; only to discover a hidden bridge.

Thankfully when we are stepping out on faith there is someone that has seen the path before us. He has already been there, he knows what is over the next hill, or mountain. I am so thankful for a Savior that is looking out for me, and that knows what is coming up next in my path. He wants us to trust Him, and to keep our eyes on Him while we're walking the treacherous path. And to ask for His guidance when choosing a path to follow. And the best part is that there was no beginning to Him, and there will be no end to Him. So, He's always gonna be there for us.

But, unfortunately we aren't guaranteed a smooth path when following Him. I have really learned that this past year. But He has been faithful to me, knowing what is best for me the whole time. And He will continue to do so the rest of my life, as long as I keep my teachable heart.

Dear Lord,

Please bless my dear friends as they embark on a new journey in their lives. Please help them to look to You for guidance, and to keep their eye on you instead of what is around them. Please Lord keep them safe in this new time of their lives. Give them teachable hearts, and open eyes; so they can see and learn what you are trying to show them. Help them to form a great support group around them during this time, because that is also crucial to their success. Thank you so much Father for hearing our hearts.

In Jesus Name Amen

2009-05-07T16:14:00.001-05:00

I can't wait till next week is over!!!

But then again I wish I had a week of vacation before I started my new job.

2009-05-03T21:03:00.003-05:00

I'd like to start an online Bible study, but I'm not totally sure how to do it. I think it would be easier to do an online one because then people could just respond when they have time. I'd like the first one to be from the book "Captivating". So, if you'd like to be a part of this Bible study let me know. I have the workbook, so I will be pulling the questions from that. so you don't have to buy it if you don't want to.

Also I think it'd be better that it is closed once it gets started so we can share openly. Just leave a message on here, or email me at Mandakate26@aol.com if you are interested. And I'll let you know once I find a way to do it.

Also it will start after May 15. I'm not starting anything until the semester is over.

2009-05-02T01:27:00.004-05:00

How can it be possible that one guy repulses me, drives me crazy half the time, acts like an idiot, does a whole bunch of stuff that I don't agree with; and yet every time I see him he it makes me smile, and has some really great qualities, is working on his relationship with God, and is working hard on his degree.

But the thing is... he doesn't know I exist.

At least in a romantic way.

Why can't I get him out of my head?!?!

Caution: Woman's emotions up ahead

2009-04-21T22:58:00.003-05:00

Another warning is that I'm probably going to ramble throughout this whole blog; so if you can't tell exactly what I said at the end hopefully you'll get what I am/have been feeling.

My biological clock has been screaming at me lately. Not like "Hey pay attention here!" kind of yelling, but kid in the grocery store getting as much of a tantrum in before he gets his butt beat in the parking lot kind of screaming. I have thoroughly analyzed my feelings, as every control issue type person should; and I have come up with several possibilities for why I am feeling this way.

I was in a wedding earlier this year, which sends emotions screaming if you are not married yet. Let alone if you had just gotten out of a relationship the week before.
My cousin is getting married in June, and I am so very happy for her. But, she is 3 years younger than me. Now if that isn't a kick in the butt. Yes, I know, I shouldn't compare my life to others. But, it happens, you know you do it.
Another girl I know is getting married, in June. But, I guess this is a product of me usually being friends with people older than me. So, therefore, they're at a different stage in life. Honestly a stage that I would rather be at, or feel like I would fit better in.
A LOT has changed in this past year. To help you visualize (no I don't know why this is what popped into my head) think of a train going down the train tracks. Then all of a sudden, it is on one of those things that changes its direction. And its spinning it really fast, and when it stops spinning the train is in a totally different location. Not, where it expected to be at all. (Yes, I know, trains don't have thoughts or feelings. So just picture Thomas if that makes you feel better.) Well I feel like that is what has happened to me, several times, this year. And I still don't know where my direction is. I have talked about this a lot lately, and have tried really hard to let go and trust God. But, I am just really bothered by this black darkness in front of me. I'm almost afraid I'm going to fall off some cliff or something. I guess I have to just keep giving it to Him.
When I was younger I would always say, "I want to wait until I have a great career, and made some big accomplishments before I get married and have kids." and "I don't think I could ever be a stay-at-home mom, I would get so bored!" Well I think I've changed my mind. All I can think about now, is getting married and being a stay-at-home mom. I know it can be done financially if the dad is willing, and the mom is frugal. My parents live in a really nice house, with my dad's retirement. I mean we're not rich or anything. But the more stuff you have, the more stuff you have to dust. So, I think I'd be OK with less. Or I could at least work part-time. See, here I go planning it all out again. Like I know what's going to happen, or could even control it. I just need to keep praying that God's will be done. And that He will give me what my heart truly desires. This was brought up again by reading an old friend's blog, who is a pregnant stay-at-home mom. It looks so good from this side Of the fence. But stuff always looks great from the other side.

I must have it all out right now, because I can't think of any other things. And, for now, my clock has stopped screaming at me.

2009-04-17T21:57:00.005-05:00

I am sitting here tonight at the end of a long, non-productive feeling week. I am trying to get out of the rut that I feel that I am in. So I'm doing that by doing a mask, so get my skin looking better. And I'm also going to do some laundry.

2009-04-08T13:14:00.003-05:00

Lacey's last post inspired me to share with you one of my favorite worship songs. It was recorded by the Newsboys. I just want to sing it at the top of my lungs whenever I hear it. Here is the video on YouTube.

Devotion

all my world
all I've lost
the wrecks I've made here
the lives it cost
Your hand restores
Your works make whole
with all my soul
I thank You
I owe You
all my

CHORUS:
devotion
all that I have to give
here's my devotion
You're all that it means to live

all my past
my tainted main
You stole its legacy
of pride and shame
You're all I love
You're all I fear
I'm drawing near
to face You
to know You
to show You

(CHORUS)

You found me
in a shallow grave
You tracked me out from beneath it all
You healed me
saved me
in the nick of time
Your perfect time
You found me (found me)
in a shallow grave (in a shallow grave)
You called me out from beneath it all
You touched me (touched me)
saved me (saved me)
in the nick of time
in Your perfect time

I devote all I have to You
I devote all that You've made new
all You restored that day You bled
all that You brought back from the dead

2009-04-05T23:27:00.003-05:00

Last week was really.....I can't even think of how to explain it. To let you know I'm sitting on my bed looking at a floor that is totally covered in clean clothes. Usually they're dirty. And there is also a pile of my ex's clothes in the corner. Not the most exciting thing to be pulling those out of the closet. If that doesn't give you enough of a clue of how draining (that's the word!) my week has been I don't know how to explain it any better. I just feel like I haven't had time to catch up, and I do at night because I'm not working, right now at least.

But I don't know. Life is so complicated.

Why does it have to be that way?!?!

Why do people have to be so masked, and closed off? I just want need to be with someone that is who they say they are. Who means what they Say they mean. I hate having to guess if they're just saying it because they think it sounds good at the time. I wish I had just stayed at CR tonight because I don't feel like I got anything out of the other thing. And now I don't feel any better than I did before. I guess I should be folding clothes instead of blogging. But this is getting some stuff off my chest. I just hope this week goes better. I hope I get to spend time with friends this week too, they're so much better than family most of the time!! Can I just trade them in?

2009-04-03T23:37:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling really lonely lately. But I need to wait on God's timing. It's hard though.

Procrastination

2009-03-30T22:18:00.005-05:00

[L. procrastinatio: cf. F. procrastination.]
The act or habit of procrastinating, or putting off to a future time; delay; dilatoriness.

Procrastination is the thief of time.

Young.

I am the queen of procrastination! I'm doing it right now even. I'm putting off doing the homework I need to get done before family comes into town tomorrow. Because I won't do it once they get here. I need to get past this..... maybe I can talk myself into it.

How would that go?

"I'm not doing my homework!"

"Come on! It'll be fun, just get in your PJ's and turn on some music!"

"no"

"But you have to do it before Grandma, and the girls get here!"

"no"

"Do you want to fail your class? You've already missed several summaries, you can't afford any more."

"I don't care!"

"Yes you do.... You like having your good GPA"

"I know...."

"So, just put on the Twilight soundtrack and get it over with"

"OOOOOK"

"Good job!"

See that is what goes on in my head. lol As a friend of mine says, "You don't want to be in my head, it's scary up there!"

I'm going to go do it now, and then I have to clean my bathroom, and bedroom. Oh joy!

The good side of things

2009-03-22T21:46:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to think positive through everything that is going on, so here are some good things that are happening.

I am walking without a cane, walker, or any help after only two weeks of healing from knee surgery!
Only two months left of school
I had a really great day Saturday, between hanging out with my mom and a friend
I am alive
I had alone time today
I have a car
I have family and friends that love me very much
I'm healthy
I still have most of my brains
I have a roof over my head
I'm getting a college education, even though it's stressing me out

Even though some of them may be small things, some people don't have that stuff. So, I choose to recognize them and be thankful. Thank you God, for my many blessings.

Getting stuff off my chest....

2009-03-15T00:16:00.003-05:00

First rant....

Why does life have to be so aggravating? And why do I have to be so co-dependent? Do I have a big sign on my forehead or something that draws people to me that want someone to take care of them?!?!? And if so how do I get rid of it? I'm so irritated at myself for being wrapped up in everything so much that I went this long without looking at it. Actually I did but I didn't want to believe what I saw. Now what do I do? God, how do I fix this problem? Actually, can you just do it for me? Can I just focus on the other pile that's about to fall on me?

Second rant....

I don't want to be in school anymore!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so tired of these meaningless classes that just take up my time. I don't see what they have to do with anything. Why can't they just give us a test to see how well rounded we already are, and if we haven't been in a box our whole life then we can skip these classes. I would so much rather be spending my time on classes that I'm going to need for my job. But I can't just skip these, so probably by the time I get to them I'm going to be so irritated that I won't be able to focus. And then I won't get a job right out of school and I'll end up copying coloring pages for the next 15 years until I've forgotten everything I went to school for. Then finally I'll find a job, and won't get it because I can't even remember what I majored in, or how to spell resources, or Bachelors Degree!

Ok I think I can sleep now... goodnight.

2009-03-13T21:46:00.001-05:00

Why do I have such a hard time accepting love? It makes me so uncomfortable to accept praise from people, I just want to get it over with or pass it off onto someone else. I don't like attention on me. I don't feel like I'm worth putting time into. Where did this come from?

(Not) Spring Break

2009-03-13T18:22:00.002-05:00

Wow this week has flown by! But it has been a good break from all of the craziness. I had surgery on my knee on Tuesday the 10th. It was to repair a tear in my lateral meniscus. The surgery went really well, nothing has hurt very much. God has really stepped in on this whole process. I'm honestly really overwhelmed with how loving and nice everyone is being. I don't really feel like I deserve it. I'm more used to being the one that is taking care of everyone. I've not been a patient before. It really amazed me at how everyone wanted to pray over me at CR. I almost felt like a bigger deal was being made of it than was needed. But I'm so very thankful that everything went so well, so I have to believe that God answered their prayers. I've never heard of a recovery as quick as the one I'm having.

So, some may not have thought this seemed like that great of a Spring break, but other than having one bad night of pain I've had a great break. I've spent the week reading and relaxing, and spending time with Katelyn. I have started a book that I've been meaning to read since Christmas. And I have spent time with some new friends that I'm really excited about getting to know.

This may sound weird, but I'm thankful that this surgery was this week. It slowed me down so I could enjoy the things that I have been too busy too enjoy in a long time. I just wish it hadn't flown by.

Astounded, Appalled, Crushed, Mad!!!

2009-02-02T23:24:00.004-06:00

I don't know if you got to watch the Super Bowl last night, but every year there is one reason that I sit down and watch football (well three but the other two will just take away from my point), and that is the commercials. I usually avoid commercials, but they usually have funnier ones during the Super Bowl. This year I didn't go to a Super Bowl party, so I didn't see any of the commercials. Any way, me and Chris decided to watch them and see if there were any good ones. There were a few OK ones, but there were a lot of beer commercials. But that isn't why I'm writing this. I can't believe it even as I'm writing it.

There was a commercial for an online dating site that targets married people looking to have an affair!!!!! I can't believe it!! I'm still appalled as I think about it. I mean what is this world coming to? Is there no respect for marriage these days? I mean I know that it's not easy, and yes I know that I will never know how hard it is until I am married but there is just NO EXCUSE for someone to cheat. Let alone a company to make money off people having affairs!! People just give up on each other so easily now, it's like they go into it saying that if it gets too hard they can always bail. Well that shouldn't be an option, I mean why get married at all if you're going to give up at the first tough moment. Why not save all that money that you spent on the Wedding (this white dress that if you actually thought about what it meant you wouldn't be wearing one). Why not just take that money and go on a vacation and then part your ways, b/c you can't seem to take any more of each other than how you are on a vacation.

I try not to judge others, but honestly it is hard. But how can I when my sins are just as bad as theirs. I can only ask forgiveness when I sin, and when I judge others. I hope that God will forgive us for our sins. We are so blessed to have such a merciful and loving God, that doesn't just wipe us out when we screw up. I hope that I will not be the only one to speak out against this. Please God forgive us.

Back to WKU

2009-01-31T13:00:00.004-06:00

Well I just finished my first week at WKU. It was an interesting week with the fact that it snowed, so I only had two days of classes. I have been praying about a job constantly for a month now. I just didn't know what to do about it, because I have a weird school schedule from registering late. So, I applied at WKU for a couple jobs and I heard back from one but somehow we never got connected to set up an interview. I guess I wasn't supposed to have that job. I'm OK with that, I've been praying that God would only open the doors that He wants me to go through; because honestly I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. Well, Monday while I was trying to rest after my first two classes I had the idea that I could take a couple more classes instead of trying to find a job. So, I went and talked to my mom and she liked the idea. I quickly added two more classes which makes for a total of 6, or 18 hours. I've never taken more than 12 credit hours at a time, so I was a little nervous at first. But, I feel like I'm well equipped. I have an awesome laptop, which has Microsoft word suite on it. And I've already gotten all of my classes put onto a calendar. I feel very organized so far. I think this semester should go smooth.

Also, there is a job opening here in town for an administrative assistant. And it seems like there would be possibility to move up later on if I wanted to. I'm excited about that, but I'm just trying to go through the doors that seem to open and then continue to pray about it. I feel really peaceful about everything that is going on. I'm happy, which I wasn't while I was in Nashville. I never thought I'd be back at Western this soon, but you never know what God's plan is. It makes me feel better to know that it's not all up to me to make the decisions for my future. Because if it was I'd really screw it up.

I'm starting a step study on Tuesday. I'm so excited about it!! I know it's not going to be easy, but I feel like I will finally be able to work through some stuff in my life. And who knows maybe I'll come out of it with some really great friends. Mom got me the Life Recovery Bible as a late Christmas present. I love it so far, it's so easy to read. I feel like I finally have an idea of what people are always talking about when they say they can't put it down. I've never had that before. I've always had a hard time getting into the Bible, and being able to understand it. But I find myself reading way past the devotional reading. It's actually reading like stories, and I love that because I always love hearing people talk about the cool things they find in the Bible; but I can never find that for myself.

I made it to Curves three times this week!! That's two weeks in a row! I'm very proud of myself for that, and I'm really starting to enjoy it again. Other that the fact that my knee hurts sometimes. I really need to go to the doctor about that, but I don't want to waste money if he's just going to tell me something stupid. Especially since it's feeling fine most of the time. But I don't need a long term injury either. I guess it's one thing at a time.

Happy New Year!!

2009-01-02T00:42:00.002-06:00

This is the year, the year that will change all future years that have yet to come. The year that I will turn 23, the Barnes and Noble year in my head. The year that I will officially become an adult(or so I thought when I was little). I just pray that last year's trials will help me to bear the ones to come. I learned a lot about myself this year, but I still have so much to learn. I realized that I really don't know anything. I also realized that Nashville is not the perfect town that it seemed 3 years ago.....

People always talk about New Years resolutions. What they want to have accomplished by the end of the year. I don't know if it's a way to track how we are doing in our lives, or if it's just another check list. I have in my backpack an issue of a wonderful magazine, who's name has escaped me at the moment, the magazine is all about lists.

Real Simple!!! That's it, goodness if I'm this bad at 22..... anyway.

But it's about how to make lists to help you remember things, and it has different lists that you can copy, that sort of thing. Another thing that got me on this topic is that Susan and I went and saw "Marley and Me", which is an awesome movie; in there the girl has a list of what she wants done next in her life until she gets into her life then she realizes that what she has is better than anything that she could think of.

The connection to me is that I had a list of what I thought I would have done in my life about a year or so ago. I hadn't met a guy, that was worth writing home about, so I just figured God didn't think it was my time yet. So, my way to deal with that was to plan out my life (I'm sure God was rolling His eyes at that, like I really know anything); anyway part of that was to get a career that would take up all of my time so I wouldn't realize I didn't have any body. I found a school that led to a job like that, and dreamt about that school for two years. I've always had something in the future that I was living for, because I wasn't ever happy with my current circumstances. Or I was being picked at so much that I was talked into thinking I couldn't be happy because of my weight. That didn't help the situation at all. Because my solution for being uncomfortable is to eat something. I'm on a tangent.

This year my plans were shot, my list was torn up. God showed me that I don't know how to plan my life, because I don't know what is really going to happen in the future. Only He does. So, I moved to Nashville for 3 months then moved home (that is the short version). I also found a guy (well that was the year before, but he moved up here this year), we are serious and talking about marriage (only in future terms so don't start ring watching yet). The cool thing is that he seems to be what I prayed for, that doesn't mean it's easy but I feel like God will bless us. I just need to learn how to wait for God. Maybe make lists without it being my way of telling God what I'm going to be doing.

My New Years resolution is different this year than it has been. My normal one is to lose weight; but through Celebrate Recovery I'm starting to realize that my weight is not the problem, rather it's the visible symptom of another problem(s). I'm not totally sure what that is yet, but I'm going to work on that. So, that is part of my resolution. To get to know myself better, and work on who I want to be instead of just staying busy and hoping I turn out alright.

My other resolution is to live in the moment more. I have been living in the future for as long as I can remember. Always talking about what I'm going to do when I get done with where I am right now. I didn't realize that I was doing that. I don't want to miss out on my 20's. I want to travel some, and have fun. But I also want to get to know God. Because I don't want to be the driving force in my life, I can't see the road ahead so how can I do anything but crash? I don't really know what this all really means just yet, but I kinda feel like I'm coming out of a fog I didn't know I was in. Maybe this will be the beginning of a really awesome time in my life. I just have to keep giving God my fears, b/c I have a lot of them and they are the fog. Thank you God for this clarity. I give this to You, In Jesus Name Amen.

Long time no write......

2008-10-13T22:13:00.003-05:00

Wow this has been some crazy months. Since I last wrote I moved to Nashville, have my own apartment, and am currently working full time and going to school. That may tell you a little bit of why I haven't written.

Some awesome things that have happened are that my boyfriend and I just celebrated the fact that we've been together one year!!! I never would have thought a year ago that I would be talking about being with someone at all, let alone a year. I am so blessed to be loved by him, he is such a wonderful kind and caring man. God really answered my prayers with him.

For our anniversary he planned a whole day of activities, which is so cool that he spent all that time to plan that stuff. He woke me up with breakfast in be, pancakes and sausage (which he made by the way, he has never cooked before so I was very impressed). Then we just kinda hung out the rest of the morning, and then we went and saw that new Richard Gere and Diane Lane movie Nights in Rodanthe. It was soooo good and very romantic, he did very well. Then we went to Barnes & Noble, which to some people may not be very romantic but the fact that he knows that that's where I love to go and relax is very romantic to me. I love going there and hadn't been in a long time, and really needed it after the long week I had had. Then after that we went home and dressed up a bit and then he took me out to one of my favorite restaurants, O' Charley's. It was the perfect day, I loved every bit of it especially because I had a whole day with him, and that he had done a lot of work to plan it. I love him very very much, and am so thankful God answered my prayers. He was worth the wait.

I am doing well in my classes so far, I actually should be studying right now instead of being on here but my laptop was calling my name. Well I'm going to go plan out some lunches for the week, I'm trying not to eat out as much or at all. Hope this finds you well.

Place of the month

2008-07-30T19:07:00.001-05:00

I did forget for a while but I promise I will do it while I'm at work. After I finish some projects for instructors.

Catching up

2008-07-29T08:35:00.006-05:00

I know I haven't posted in a while, but i've been really really busy. As of the 18th my boyfriend moved up here from Louisiana. He is applying at the Bowling Green police department; which is why he moved up here so quickly. He had been planning on moving up here for a while, but wanted to save up some money to be up here. We thought the hiring process was going to start in the fall so he had planned to come up sometime before it started. Well, a couple weeks ago he got a letter saying that the hiring process was going to start at the end of July. (The part that is actually in the fall is the interview process.)

So, it just happened that around the same time his mom, and aunt were driving to Michigan to see family. It worked out that he was able to pull all of his stuff into his car and drive the 12 hour drive from his house to mine.

It's now been two weeks since he got up here. He is staying with me and my parents (in the office), and is looking for a job. The first part of the application process is this Saturday, so we're hoping that it all goes well.

I'm getting adjusted to having him around all the time, and seeing all his guy-isms. It's going well though, I'm really enjoying getting to see him every day.

On another note, I'm finishing up my job as a tutor at WKU, my last day is next Thursday. I'm having mixed feelings about leaving, especially when I get to tutor someone who is really excited about learing something; that really reminds me of why I loved this job.

I'm trying to get ready for my move to Nashville, but I'm so tired that I can't really do much yet. So, I've been sending my resume out to several companies (20 to be exact) but haven't heard anything yet. I hate looking for a job, I don't like any part of it. I just wish someone would come up to me and hand me a great job. I know I can do it, and I know that I'm a good worker but I just hate the part of putting myself on a piece of paper for people to judge. It makes me uneasy. I picture myself laying on a table with, banker type old men, looking over me. I don't like the fact that they are judging whether or not I can do a job, by how well I can word my job duties. I'm not good at, or comfortable with, trying to make the fact that I filed papers sound like I was saving the world every day. It feels too close to lying for me. But I did it again, I redid my whole resume (and if you didn't know I've saved the world a few times too!); I also wrote the dreaded cover letter of doom and with these two magnificently written pieces of art I have yet to hear anything back from the companies. This is driving me crazy, I'm regretting my prayers for patience and wondering if they're being answered at this time.

What am I supposed to learn from this horribly hard summer?

I can't remember a time when so much hard things have happened so close together; without time for me to fully heal from them. But what is "fully healed"? I've started going to this thing that my has been going to since last October; called Celebrate Recovery. It's once of those places where you can just spill your guts and tell it all, and the people there will just be like "OK, I've done that too"; I've only been a couple times but so far I'm wishing I had given in a couple months ago (my mom's been asking me to go since November). I can see myself being able to move on with the help of this group; which is really nice because I haven't seen the light at the end of the tunnel all summer. HAHA I just realized something, maybe this is why I've gone through all of this! God was just trying to get me to a place where I would give in and see what can really come of a church group that actually seems to care about each other.

I feel alot better.

We had a scare last Friday. My dog, Albert, ran away right before this big storm came through. The hard thing was that I had made a quick run to Nashville, and got home about half an hour after he'd taken off. I searched for about an hour that night, and then quite a bit the next morning. Nothing came of our driving around. It was the worst feeling ever! My dog of 16 years was just gone. My parents just said that he had left to die. I couldn't believe that he would do that, it didn't match his personality. He's such a momma's boy that I couldn't imagine him going to do something like that by himself. Well we went on with our weekend, trying to come to terms with the fact that there was no more Albert, honestly I was numb (which seems to be my most recent way of dealing with big things, or not dealing with them). Come Monday morning I went to work and decided to call the humane society, so I get to work and give them a call; the lady informs me that they have an elderly schnauzer there that was brought in Saturday. So, I call my mom trying not to get excited, and she heads up there. It's Him!!!!!! Praise God!! I'm so thankful that he hasn't really taken off like they thought, he was just being his ornery self. I'm so glad that ordeal is over.

So, things are settled for now. I'm worn out from writing this much, but I feel good. I hope this finds you well.

Big News!!!

2008-07-05T23:12:00.001-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. But I've kinda been preoccupied with the fact that my boyfriend is moving up here next week. I will go into more details on Monday, seeing as I have nothing better to do at work. See you then!!

The Kitchen

2008-06-29T21:25:00.006-05:00

So, I officially started packing yesterday. My mom went through all of her kitchen cupboards and pulled out all of my stuff, and old stuff of hers that she is giving to me. It filled up about half the kitchen table. It was kind of a weird feeling for me, with the splitting of the kitchen it kind of felt like what some people go through in a divorce; not that it was a bad situation but that we were going through stuff trying to figure out who bought what. Because I've bought several things through Pampered Chef parties, and other things. One funny thing was that my mom gave me an old liquid measuring cup, which through excessive use has lost all of the lines. So, the resourceful person that I am grabbed a permanent marker and drew them back on. It looks pretty cute, and kind of eclectic. I might even start a new line of country chic measuring utensils. What do you think? But, even through the big pile I'm kind of excited. I kept imagining myself in my little kitchen making something for a friend. It'll be neat to find my own style, and way of doing things once I have the room to do it in. I'm looking forward to getting it all set up, and kind of wish it would get here sooner.

Also, I got a new set of dishes thanks to my aunts who gave me a JCPenney's gift card. I went through them this weekend to make sure that none were broken and found that one of the dinner plates was broken in half. But, I called and they're shipping me a new one free of charge. The people were really nice, and for future reference if the invoice number is on the sticker on the box if there isn't any paperwork inside. Just wanna save you a call. Here are my new dishes!! Aren't they cute?!?!

And they will go with my Italian chef style kitchen. Taken from this painting by Jennifer Garant.

Better mood

2008-06-19T12:49:00.005-05:00

I've been in a rut lately. I haven't really felt like myself, and wasn't sure why. So, in my process of figuring out how to get back to the way I was before the end of the stressful semester knocked me out, I have been trying several things.

See about December 15, 2007 I started going to Curves 3 times a week. I've had a membership there for like four years now, but have never been able to get into a groove of going; where I didn't have to talk myself into it. It was actually kinda fun, not that I made any great friends there, but I enjoyed it and enjoyed having time to myself. So, by getting into the groove I went three times a week, faithfully for about 3 months. Then about March I decided to add another day, plus start doing situps. I loved those too (totally not being sarcastic at all, no seriously i'm not. really. this isn't sarcasm either...fine don't believe me) I got to where I enjoyed it, almost looked forward to it. Then some things started happening, I started having trouble with classes and other things. That just totally threw me off. So, I ended up going into survival mode. I stopped going to Curves, stopped doing pretty much everything but working and going to school. Well, now that everything thing is done, and I'm all gradiated and stuff, I'm still in a rut. It's been what like almost two months now. I don't know how to get back into that mode. Maybe, the fact that I recognize it and and consiously trying to change some things will help with that.

So, in order to get out of this rut I'm going to try a couple things. I'm going to make some conscious efforts to go to Curves three times a week. I felt better when I did that, and I was happier. And I looked better in my clothes. I'm going to write three things consisting of things that I did good, or am good at, or something I accomplished every day. And I'm also going to the tanning bed, that is helping me because I don't make it outside very much and am only tanning on my left arm (the arm that gets sun on my 20 minute drive to work every day). Don't worry I'm not going to go every day and lay in there for half an hour; I know what could happen and i'm being careful.

This is my "get out of my rut" plan. I'll let you know how that's going, as I work it.

What else

2008-06-16T15:05:00.003-05:00

I just finished the first place of the month blog. Phew that was allot of work. I didn't even cover the surface, I think I took on a little too much with doing a whole country the first time out. Maybe next time I'll do a city or something.

There are so many things that I would love to do, but it seems like I don't have enough time to turn around. This is one thing that I've had on my list. Another is to catch up on some reading because I know that I will have no time whatsoever this fall. I want to get into a good book, and would love to have a book discussion. But that is something else that requires time. It's weird because I don't really feel like I'm doing anything but I still have so many unaccomplished things on my list. Here is part of it:

Read a couple really good books
Go through boxes in storage unit
Clean junk out of room
Pack up stuff for apartment
Fix intake on car
Find a job in Nashville

As you can probably tell from the list, I'm moving to Nashville! I'm excited about getting back down there because I love the city, but now that it's getting closer I'm starting to get nervous about moving out on my own. Thankfully my parents are there to help me, so I'm not jumping out there with no supports.

I am a planner. I like to plan everything out, and make lists and know about what is going to happen. I like to be prepared, and have some extras for cushion. My mom is just the opposite, she will jump into something and then look around to see if she landed OK. So, in preparing to go to Nashville and start school down there I would like to have most of what I need bought and packed up and ready to go. But she wants me to take what I have down there and then once I get moved in and settled see what I need and go from there. This is scaring the crap out of me. I'm afraid to be down there with nothing. I feel like if I don't get what I think I'll need before I get down there I'll be out of luck. I know she has told me that's not at all what she's thinking, but that is how I feel. Because it's not in a box in the garage with a label on it saying that it's gonna go to my apartment.

I know my mom will take care of it. I know that God will take care of me, but it's scaring me that there are so many unknowns. I don't like that, it's out of my comfort zone. But, I will just have to keep praying and trusting that God will work all of this out for me. He hasn't let me down yet, even though I let Him down all the time. Thank you God for being so steady and constant, in such a wobbly and twisted world. Amen

Ireland

2008-06-16T12:42:00.010-05:00

The name Ireland derives from the name Ériu (in modern Irish, Éire) with the addition of the Germanic word land. Most other western European names for Ireland derive from the same source, such as French Irlande, Spanish, Italian, Romanian and Portuguese Irlanda, German Irland and Dutch Ierland. (wikipedia)

The Shamrock is the most well known symbol for Ireland; and seems to be regarded as the national flower.

Irish step dancing is what most people think of when they think about Ireland and dancing. You may have heard of Lord of the Dance. It is very fast paced and fun. The music is wonderful and can get anyone up and dancing.

The population of Ireland as of 2007 was 4,109,086.

The currency in the Republic of Ireland is the Euro (ISO currency code EUR). There are 7 euro notes. In different colours and sizes they are denominated in 500, 200, 100, 50, 20, 10 and 5 euros. The notes are uniform throughout the euro area; unlike coins, they have no national side. The designs are symbolic for Europe's architectural heritage. They do not represent any existing monuments.
There are 8 euro coins denominated in 2 and 1 euros, then 50, 20, 10, 5, 2 and 1 cents. Every euro coin carries a common European face. On the reverse, each Member State has their own motif. In the case of Irish coins they have a harp, the date and the word "ire" - i.e. word for Ireland in the Irish language.

To see the current exchange rate, click here.

Getting around is pretty easy in Ireland, they have many forms of transportation. Whether you want to rent a car, take a tour bus, ride the train, or take a bike tour. Find the way that will give you the experience you want.

If you really want the full experience of Ireland I would say to stay in B&B's that way you can be around locals, and get to experience might than you might if you were in a ritzy hotel. Another perk is that they are usually cheaper also. Here are a list of Hotels and B&B's to look at.

Did you know?

Ireland is thought to have been inhabited from around 6000BC by people of a mid-Stone Age culture.
And about 4,000 years later, tribes from Southern Europe arrived and established a high Neolithic culture. The best-known Neolithic sites in Ireland are the megalithic passage tombs of Newgrange and Knowth in County Meath. Both were built around 3200BC, making them older than Stonehenge in England, and the Pyramids of Giza in Egypt.

Ireland’s famous patron saint didn’t actually come from Ireland.
Saint Patrick was taken prisoner from his family home in Britain by Irish raiders and was brought to Ireland to work as a shepherd. After Patrick escaped back to Britain, he had a vision from God telling him to return to Ireland as a missionary. Now credited with introducing Christianity to Ireland, relics of St Patrick’s time here can be seen all over Ireland. One of the best known is Croagh Patrick in County Mayo, where Patrick fasted for 40 days in 441AD. Today, pilgrims climb the mountain every year on the last Sunday in July. Saint Patrick’s remains are believed to be buried in the grounds of Downpatrick Cathedral, County Down.

The latter half of the 19th century was a period of tragedy in Irish history.
Ireland was struck by the Great Famine caused by a potato blight that struck crops over a four-year period from 1845-49. Over a million of the population died from starvation, with many more falling prey to diseases such as typhus. Over two million people emigrated to countries including the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada and Australia, and from 1848-1950 over six million Irish fled the land. Now the Irish diaspora is thought to contain over 80 million people scattered all over the globe. To learn more about the famine visit The Famine Museum in Strokestown Estate, The Cobh Heritage Centre and the Famine Commemoration Centre in Skibbereen.

There are an estimated 80 million people who claim Irish ancestry.
Imagine tracing your ancestry and discovering your family history! The Irish Genealogical Project can help you find the answers to the questions you have about your Irish roots. Take yourself on a journey of discovery that may inspire you to visit the land of your ancestors.

The website that has given me the most information is Ireland's tourist website, it is

www.discoverireland.com

It has a wonderful vacation planner, and links, and tips to pretty much everything you'll need.

Place of the month

2008-06-16T10:41:00.000-05:00

The first country that I'm going to talk about is Ireland. I'm starting with this country because it is one that I have loved for a long time. I haven't been there yet, but I'm going to make it over there at some point. Actually, I have Irish heritage coming from both sides of my family. So, I may end up spending more than a week on this one.

First off there is some general information that I think everyone should know about each country, or city. So, you can expect at least that bit of information on each one. You can expect to see:

Name
Flag
Population
Flower, song, dance, etc.
Best travel books, or websites
Currency
Best way to get there, and around
Top 5 sites to see

In addition to those I will add other things for each country that caught my eye. Plus, I will give you the link to any website that I use so you can get the most info possible. This is my way of traveling until I get out of school, and then hopefully I'll get to put fingerwork to use. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I'll enjoy looking it up.

Hi

2008-06-15T23:20:00.000-05:00

Ok so I've had other blogs but didn't really do anything with them because I didn't have a purpose for them. So I'm going to pick one for this so I can actually do something with it. By the way I hope you like my layout because it took me forever to find one I liked. So, now i'm tired from trying to put a gazebo together at 9:30 at night. It sounded good when we started, but the fact that we don't have the canopy for it kinda dampened our efforts. So, were going to try and find something else. I am tired, and am not looking forward to getting up at 6am tomorrow when I've been sleeping in all week. I need a real vacation, not just time off from work, but a beach or something. It's been six years since my family has had a vacation. Wow, I think it's about time. I think one of my ideas for this blog might be to have a weekly destination, and i'll find out all I can about that place and put cool stuff up here. That sounds like fun. I think I'll start with Ireland tomorrow. YAY i'm excited, a goal for my blog. Maybe it won't be so blah after all.